I cannot live without books. – Thomas Jefferson
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. – Oscar Wilde
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. – Tom Clancy
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde
To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. – Oscar Wilde
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. – Oscar Wilde
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams
I am so talented. I can make anyone laugh. Especially my parents, because they’re always laughing at me. – Zach Galifianakis
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas Edison
If you are going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. – Kurt Vonnegut
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. – Samuel Goldwyn
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. – Nicholas Chamfort
I used to think Drinking was bad for me. So I gave up Thinking. – W.C. Fields
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. – Reba McEntire
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. – Douglas Adams
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
The story so far: In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. – Douglas Adams
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. – Will Rogers
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov
I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – Dave Lee Roth
If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. – Alexander Hamilton
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. – Franklin P. Jones
I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. – W.C. Fields
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. – W.C. Fields
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