Firesign Theater Quotes

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze them in someone’s eyes.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist, I’m a conspiracy analyst.

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just photogenic in motion.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it sure helps.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I may be fat, but you’re ugly. And I can lose weight.

Common sense is not so common.

It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that I don’t care.

I don’t need a hairstylist, I have a pillow.

When life gives you lemons, ask for salt and tequila.

I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.

I always give 100%, at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.

I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social.

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate.

I don’t hold grudges, I remember facts.

I’m not a control freak, but you’re doing it wrong.

I’m not sarcastic, I’m just fluent in smart-ass.

I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.

I’m not a morning person, or an afternoon person. I’m more of an ‘avoid all human interaction’ kind of person.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

I’m not aging, I’m just becoming a classic.

I don’t need anger management classes, you just need to stop being an idiot.

I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with the walls.

I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist. And reality sucks.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I don’t make mistakes, I create opportunities to learn.

I’m not impatient, I just want everything to happen right now.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing my own sanity.

I don’t have a short attention span, I just… oh look, a squirrel!

I’m not a control freak, I prefer to call it ‘quality control’.

I’m not disorganized, I live in organized chaos.

I’m not a coffee addict, I just have a passionate relationship with caffeine.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social. There’s a difference.