The grass may be greener on the other side, but that’s because it’s fake.
No pain, no pain. That’s my motto.
A broken clock is right two times a day, just like me.
You can’t fix stupid, but you can laugh at it.
A penny saved is a penny you won’t even bother picking up.
Don’t touch anything that doesn’t make you look cool, just like mirrors.
It’s better to be a smartass than a dumbass, but let’s be honest, they’re the same thing.
Life is short, just like your attention span.
If at first, you don’t succeed, give up and try something easier.
Why do today what you can procrastinate until tomorrow?
More money, more problems. But I’ll take those problems any day.
Experience is the best teacher, but sometimes I’d rather skip class.
The early bird gets the worm, but who wants to eat worms anyways?
A watched pot never boils, so just order takeout instead.
If you can’t beat them, confuse them with your stupidity.
Some people say I have a short attention span, but I don’t really think about it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes my brain forgetful.
Ignorance is bliss, but it’s also a great conversation starter.
If all else fails, blame it on Mercury being in retrograde. Nobody will question you.
I’m not lazy, I’m just really efficient at doing nothing.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Why make things simple when you can complicate them beyond belief?
The early worm gets eaten, so it’s better to be fashionably late.
When life hands you lemons, freeze them and throw them at unsuspecting people.
Nothing worth having comes easy, except for weight gain.
They say love is blind, but so is stumbling into furniture in the dark.
Laughter is the best medicine, but so is a pharmacy stocked with happy pills.
When in doubt, overthink it until it’s no longer relevant.
The road to success is always under construction. Let’s take a detour instead.
The best things in life are free, except for Wi-Fi. That’s a monthly bill.
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, because who has time for that?
It’s always darkest before you forget to pay the electricity bill.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn to gracefully accept defeat.
Nothing lasts forever, except for your student loan debt.
A dollar saved is a dollar that can be spent on something totally useless.
Don’t burn your bridges, just set a smoke alarm nearby.
You can accomplish anything if you’re willing to work 14 hours a day and never sleep.
The only thing standing between you and success is Netflix.
If plan A fails, just remember there’s 25 more letters in the alphabet.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re probably causing the problem.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a lot of tacos, and tacos make me happy.
There’s no I in team, but there is me, and that’s what matters.
Life is too short to be serious all the time. That’s what memes are for.
If you can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, at least be the funniest.
Stupidity is like a renewable energy source. It’s always plentiful and never runs out.
Be First to Comment