Steve Martin Quotes

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Be so good they can’t ignore you.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

I believe in equality for everyone except reporters and photographers.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers.

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I’m an old-fashioned guy… I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch.

I’m starting to think that maybe I don’t know women as well as I thought I did.

I’ve always said that my fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I’ve been out there risking my neck for the people of this city and I am not going to stop until I’ve made a difference.

Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.

I got a job at a health club, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

I’m glad I don’t have to explain to a man from Mars why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper, and then put them in my mouth.

I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

I wish people would drink responsibly because I got a dog I’m trying to get rid of.

I’ve got to say there’ve been some tough days in my life, but nothing quite as tough as the day I realized I could never be a doctor.

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.

I love a woman with a good sense of humor; someone who can make me laugh and also laugh at themselves.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I’m always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

I once had a cold and it lasted for nine months.

I think I did pretty well considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

I was born a poor black child.

I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I never cease to be amazed at the endless ways of screwing up your life.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Every day I drive a bus full of chumps to and from the unemployment office to see if there are any jobs.

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.

I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

I figure you’re only here for a matter of moments. Ever since I was a kid watching movies I’ve always wanted to make people laugh or have some sort of emotional reaction.

I had a parakeet. The bird talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died.

I never wanted to be the next Bruce Lee. I just wanted to be the first Jackie Chan.

I wasn’t born a fool, it just takes practice.