Twitter: where I go to feel validated by strangers who also hate their job.
Sometimes I wonder if my tweets are just going out into the void or if aliens are secretly analyzing them.
The only thing more consistent than my morning coffee is my addiction to Twitter.
I wish I had as much confidence in real life as I do when I’m typing a sassy tweet.
The best part about Twitter is that you can be angry about something for 5 minutes and then move on to the next outrage.
Twitter bio: 280 characters to sum up my entire existence.
The most exercise I get is scrolling through my Twitter feed.
I tweet to procrastinate, and then I procrastinate by reading my own tweets.
Twitter is like my therapy – except it’s free and no one actually helps me.
Sometimes I think Twitter should come with a warning label: may induce obsession and lack of productivity.
I tweet so I don’t have to talk to people in real life.
Twitter: where I can pretend to be witty and interesting for a few minutes each day.
I tweet so that my future alien overlords will have a comprehensive record of my thoughts.
My Twitter timeline is a carefully curated collection of mildly amusing memes and emotionally draining political rants.
Twitter is the only place where I can be simultaneously entertained and terrified by the state of the world.
My ability to come up with a clever tweet is directly proportional to my level of procrastination.
Twitter is like a never-ending party where I don’t have to put on pants.
Twitter is the virtual equivalent of yelling into the void and hoping someone yells back.
I’ve never met most of the people I follow on Twitter, but I feel like I know way too much about their lives.
Twitter: where I can be disappointed by strangers instead of just my real-life friends.
Being funny on Twitter is like owning a tiny remote control car – it’s fun for a few minutes, but ultimately pointless.
Twitter is the only place where I can convincingly pretend to be more articulate than I actually am.
My biggest fear is tweeting something hilarious and not getting any likes. That would be a tragedy.
Sometimes I read my old tweets and wonder how I managed to be so funny and yet so tragically unemployable.
Twitter is my guilty pleasure, like eating an entire tub of ice cream and then regretting it immediately.
If my life were a reality show, Twitter would be the unfiltered director’s cut.
The best thing about Twitter is that I don’t have to hear anyone’s actual voice.
Twitter is where I go to feel a deep sense of smugness whenever I make a witty observation.
Twitter: the only place where spelling and grammar mistakes can actually make you more popular.
I can’t decide if Twitter is a necessary evil or just a complete waste of time.
Twitter should have a ‘random thought’ button for when I really have nothing productive to say.
Sometimes I tweet just so people know I’m alive and vaguely witty.
I don’t need a therapist, I have Twitter, where strangers can validate my existential crisis.
Twitter is like a game of mental gymnastics, trying to fit complex thoughts into 280 characters.
If my tweets were currency, I would be the poorest person in the world.
Twitter: making me realize how unremarkable my thoughts truly are since 2006.
I’m still waiting for the day when my Twitter account gets me a job offer instead of just existential dread.
Twitter: where I can pretend to care about the latest celebrity drama for a brief moment before moving on with my life.
Twitter is like a never-ending game of tag, except instead of physical activity, it’s just emotional exhaustion.
I used to have hobbies, but now I just have Twitter.
My most productive days are the ones where I successfully navigate a Twitter argument without starting a war.
Twitter is the great equalizer – where the president and a random guy in his basement can argue about the Oxford comma.
I tweet to distract myself from the impending doom of reality.
Twitter: where I can overshare my deepest insecurities and vague political opinions without fear of judgment. Just kidding, I fear judgment every second of my life.
Twitter is the vortex from which I can’t escape, but at least it’s entertaining.