Mark Twain’s Hilarious Quotes – A Guaranteed Laugh

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

When in doubt, tell the truth. It will confuse your enemies and astound your friends.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.

The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

There are lies, damn lies and statistics.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

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