Lucille Bluth Quotes – Hilarious and Iconic Lines from the Feisty Matriarch of Arrested Development

I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.

It’s one banana, Michael. What could it cost, ten dollars?

I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.

I love all my children equally, but I cannot stand G.O.B.

I may have made some mistakes as a mother, but I’ve never doubted that I’m a great one.

The only thing more dangerous than a drunk Lucille is a sober one.

I love the smell of vodka in the morning.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a yacht, and you can sail right up to it.

I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.

I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to make my children suffer.

Forget the stairs, I’ll take the elevator. I’m too old to die young.

I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I can’t be held responsible for my actions. I was raised by wolves.

I may be a queen, but I have the heart of a lioness.

I always say, if life throws you lemons, make a vodka martini.

I’m allergic to cheap wine and poor people.

I don’t need a man, I need a million dollars and a good haircut.

I don’t get drunk, I get fabulous.

I’m too rich to do my own laundry. That’s what housekeepers are for.

Money can’t buy you class, but it can buy you a seat at the opera.

I don’t believe in karma. But I do believe in revenge.

I’m not a hoarder, I’m a collector of rare and valuable things.

I may be rich, but I’ve still got the soul of a working-class woman.

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t drink.

It’s a well-known fact that I’m always right.

I don’t need a man to make me happy. But it wouldn’t hurt to have one around to fetch me cocktails.

If life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I may not be young, but I’m timeless.

I put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional.

In my world, there are no victims. Only volunteers.

I’m not bossy, I’m the boss.

I didn’t become a millionaire by playing nice.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I don’t need a man to fight my battles, but it can be nice to have one around to carry my shopping bags.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a bitch, I’d be a billionaire.

I’m like a fine wine, I only get better with age.

I don’t need luck. Luck needs me.

I’m not high maintenance, I just have high standards.

I have a black belt in shopping.

I may have wrinkles, but they’re just laugh lines from a life well-lived.

I brought myself up by my bootstraps. And by bootstraps, I mean my husband’s money.

I don’t believe in diets. I believe in eating cake for breakfast.

I’m too fabulous to fit into society’s standards.

I don’t need a gym, I have champagne.

I’m not a regular grandma, I’m a glamorous grandma.