Snoochie boochies!
Chronic what? Cles of Narnia!
Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?
You know what they say, fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice….
I’m a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class…especially since I rule.
The world’s most beautiful woman could be the next homeless.
I’m gonna tell you a little secret about the internet. It’s not gonna go away.
Don’t ever have a shortage of fabulousness.
Wake up and smell the coffee, Kemosabe.
Why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free?
Sometimes you need to let go of your fears and rock the boat.
If it’s a stool sample, they’re just gonna find poop.
You complete me…in an oddly platonic way.
The truth is, guys like us, we’re lone wolves. You don’t make it to the top of the food chain by fitting in.
They say the best things in life are free, but they’re also the hardest to get.
Seize the carp! Life’s too short for boring fish.
Everything is temporary, except for tattoos and Chuck Norris.
You know the thing about chaos? It’s fair.
If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
Adventure is out there, but it’s also in here…in my pants.
Life’s too short for mediocre sex and subpar pizza.
You know what they say about opinions, right? They’re like buttholes, everyone’s got one but nobody wants to hear it.
The bigger the poseur, the harder they fall.
Think of politics as professional wrestling, with way less spandex and more corruption.
Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle. Unless it’s glitter, because that stuff gets everywhere.
Sometimes the best revenge is a well-timed and impeccably executed fart.
In a world full of zombies, be a ninja.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need. Or a decent Pina Colada.
Remember, it’s not stalking if you love them.
You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy comics, and that’s kind of the same thing.
Life is like a box of chocolates, sometimes it’s better to savor the ones filled with whiskey.
Don’t play with matches. Play with fireworks instead, because explosions are awesome.
They say laughter is the best medicine, but I say cocktails work just as well.
Life’s all about choices, so choose wisely…or don’t, I’m not your therapist.
Why settle for the stars when you can reach for the moon and crash into a satellite?
Believe in yourself, even if nobody else does. And if they don’t, why are you hanging out with them?
The early bird may catch the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese without all the effort.
Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Unless you’re a sniper, then you miss 0% of the shots you don’t take.
When life gives you lemons, trade them for limes and make margaritas.
The only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And probably ends with blisters and sore muscles.
If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.
The only thing worse than failing is never trying in the first place.
Life is like a bad movie, you just have to sit back and enjoy the ride.
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