Ironic Quotes

A fine is a tax for doing wrong, and a tax is a fine for doing well.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The road to success is always under construction.

Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that’s kind of the same thing.

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying.

Behind every great man is a woman who rolls her eyes.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Procrastination is just the time between the thought and the justification.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Your secrets are safe with me because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.

Stressed is just desserts spelled backward.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’ve got a great sense of humor. I just don’t always choose to show it.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones, which is why it’s called a cell phone.

I searched for the perfect insult, but the mirror couldn’t fit the entire description.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in my family. The problem is no one runs in my family.

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re definitely part of the problem.

I find TV very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go into another room and read a book.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

Take my advice, I’m not using it anyway.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you’re running after it as when you’re in it.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

The human body is 90% water. So we’re basically cucumbers with anxiety.

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows, like the fact that you can eat pizza without gaining weight.

I don’t need anger management; I need everyone else to stop annoying me.

I’d lose weight, but I don’t want to destroy one of the greatest love stories of all time — Romeo and Foodiett.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, Quit while you’re ahead?

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

If there’s a will, there’s a relative.

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