Funny toxic quotes

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m allergic to stupidity, I break out in sarcasm.

I’m sorry, I don’t speak ‘stupid’.

I would explain it to you, but I’m all out of crayons.

I’m not sarcastic, I’m just smarter than you.

I can’t fix stupid, but I can definitely make fun of it.

If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart.

I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault truth hurts.

I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than you.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick them up for me.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.

Brains are awesome. I wish everyone had one.

I’m not anti-social. I’m just not user-friendly.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I wouldn’t unplug your life support to charge my phone.

I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.

I’m the reason why you have a warning label.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I’m not calling you dumb, just implying it.

I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.

I’m not rude, I’m just brutally honest.

I’m allergic to stupidity, it brings me out in sarcasm.

I’m not responsible for your lack of common sense.

I’m not sarcastic, I’m just fluent in bullshit.

I’m not crazy, I prefer the term ‘mentally hilarious’.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

I’m not opinionated, I’m just always right.

I’m not antisocial, I’m just not your type.

I’m not a smartass, I’m a skilled, trained professional in pointing out the obvious.

I’m not mean, I’m just brutally honest. It’s not my fault you can’t handle the truth.

I’m not shy, I’m just studying my prey.

I’m not perfect, but I’m close enough.

I’m not weird. I’m limited-edition.

I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than you.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I’m pretty close.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.

I’m not afraid of commitment, I just don’t want to commit to you.

I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist who sees a glass that’s half empty.

I’m not rude, you just can’t handle my awesomeness.

I’m not a control freak, I just know what’s best for everyone.