Funny Sopranos Quotes

Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

I’m the boss of this family, and I don’t take orders from somebody else.

I’m like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit.

The only thing Hollywood knows about the mafia is a bunch of guys in tracksuits.

I should’ve been a fucking ski instructor.

You wanna know what I think? I don’t think at all.

I’m in waste management. Everyone immediately assumes you’re mobbed up.

I never felt sorry for a rat, and I don’t now.

We’re soldiers. Soldiers don’t go to hell. It’s war. Soldiers kill other soldiers.

I wipe my ass with your feelings.

I fucking love this state. I was born here, I was raised here, and I’ve got some fucking balls.

I don’t talk at family events. I don’t say anything. It’s a joke.

I’m a made man. You can’t touch me.

I’m the motherfucking fucking one who knows best.

A man comes to a point in his life when he’s laid down all his cards on the table.

How much more betrayal can I take? I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart a thousand times.

A wise guy’s always right even when he’s wrong. Sometimes especially when he’s wrong.

I’m glad I’m not God ’cause this whole world would be in big fucking trouble.

You know, Tony, I’ve always been accused of being a maverick.

Let me tell you something: nowadays, everybody’s got big pants.

You know, there are places you’re not supposed to play poker. You find yourself there, you fuckin’ kill your father?

You’re a funny kid. What’s your background? Milk and cookies?

There’s two things I know in this world: my own mother and the Sopranos.

When I was 10 years old, my father told me never trust a woman, especially with a broken nose.

Every year, the government takes a little bite out of your business. Pretty soon, you’re left with nothing.

I may be a criminal, but I’m not a murderer.

There’s no such thing as a good cause. Only good investments.

I was supposed to blow up the world, and all I get is a pat on my back.

Some people are so far behind in the race, they actually think they’re leading.

I’m a psychiatrist. I’m supposed to help people, not get involved in their personal lives.

Don’t shit where you eat. That’s a rule you should always remember.

I’m like a doctor. I keep everyone healthy and happy.

I’m in the waste management business. It’s a big fucking joke.

You want to get involved in the garbage business? Fine! I’m in the garbage business too!

I don’t like to gamble, but I’m willing to take a big bet on you.

I’m not a gangster. I’m a businessman who happens to be in the business of organized crime.

I make people an offer they can’t refuse. It’s a win-win situation.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I was special. Turns out, she was right.

I love America. It’s the greatest country in the world. But lately, it’s become like a bad husband.

The family dog, where is he? I served him for dinner.

You gotta take a crap for the troops.

It’s a good thing I got my legs! You look like you’ve been smuggling grand pianos.

I’m better than okay. I’m like… I’m on a ham sandwich, you know?

I’m like the Marquis de Sade over here and she’s like Mother Teresa on the other side.

Why are there only two ways out of the shithole?