Funny Religious Quotes

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

God must love stupid people, He made so many.

God created the universe? Well, it looks like someone didn’t have a social life on a Saturday night.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Why did Noah bring insects on the ark? Because the cheetahs were too slow.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

The best time to buy a boat is right after you sell your ex-wife’s jewelry.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

I didn’t realize God made skin so tough until I hit my toe on the furniture.

Just because I’m a Sunday school teacher, doesn’t mean I can turn water into wine. I mean, it’s like a Wednesday. I’ll need at least until Friday.

They say God works in mysterious ways. But, honestly, I think He’s just really good at hiding the remote control.

Why did Noah bring a pair of termites on the ark? In case he needed to build a termite-inator.

I don’t always pray, but when I do, it’s usually for something ridiculous like finding a missing sock.

I took up running because I heard it’s good for the soul. The only problem is, my soul is still in bed.

Why was the math book sad? It had too many irrational problems in its life.

I don’t always pray before a test, but when I do, it’s usually to ask God for a little extra rectangle area and volume knowledge.

I’m pretty sure bread was the first miracle. I mean, who doesn’t like a nice loaf of fresh bread?

I accidentally joined a choir. I thought they said ‘quire,’ like a bunch of squirrels. Turns out, I can’t sing or scurry up trees.

My wife said I should try using a different shampoo for my balding hair. So now I use slippery elm bark. It doesn’t help, but I slide around the bathroom pretty smoothly.

I told my pastor I was going to start a Bible-themed restaurant. He said it was a blessing in disguise. I’m still trying to figure out what that means.

It’s funny how church pews shrink during long sermons.

I told my pastor I wanted to help with the summer youth program, but I don’t have a lot of patience. He said I could just teach them how to text instead.

I tried fasting once. Within an hour, I was 30 minutes late for lunch.

I asked God for a sign, and He sent me a ‘yield’ sign. I guess it’s time to slow down and be patient.

My pastor gave a sermon on the Ten Commandments. I didn’t realize ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife’ also applied to their Netflix password.

I asked God to help me find my keys, and He told me to check my pockets. I guess divine intervention only goes so far.

I used to be a nun, but I decided to leave the habit behind.

I asked the Lord for patience, and He sent me a long line at the grocery store.

If God made everyone in His image, then why am I so bad at yoga?

I tried to walk on water once, but I slipped and fell in.

I asked God for a sign, He told me to maintain a safe distance.

They say prayer is the best way to speak to God. Clearly, they haven’t tried texting Him yet.

I told my priest I was struggling with temptation, and he said, ‘Oh, just give in already.’

If Jesus turned water into wine, I wonder if He could turn my coffee into something stronger.

I asked Jesus to take the wheel, but He keeps texting and driving.

I asked God for a sense of humor, and He sent me teenagers.

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