Funny Quotes for Men

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it at least five or six times, just to be sure.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I’m not a doctor, but I can definitely give you a placebo.

I don’t need Google, my wife knows everything.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I love my job; it’s the work I hate.

Remember, if it looks too good to be true, it’s probably my cooking.

I’m not funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

I may be old, but I got to see all the cool bands.

I would lose weight, but I don’t like losing.

I’m not aging, I’m just increasing in value.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I don’t need a gym membership; I walk around with my arms full of groceries every day.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing the gravity.

I don’t drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits; alcohol is for poor people.

I don’t need a watch; I have my phone to constantly remind me of how much time I’m wasting.

My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

I’m starting a new workout program; it’s called ‘pretending to hike in front of my TV.’

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I have a ‘to-do’ list that’s so long, it doesn’t have an end; it has an ‘eventually.’

GPS told me to turn left, so I turned it into a bar and had a drink instead.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

The secret to staying young is lying about your age.

I finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side, there’s nothing right, and on the right side, there’s nothing left.

I’m allergic to mornings, but I shovel coffee into my face anyway.

I have a rare condition called ‘good personality.’

If there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s making mistakes.

I believe in karma. That means I can do bad things to people and assume they deserved it.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

I hate when people say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

Some people say ‘find your inner child.’ I say ‘find your inner idiot.’ It’s more fun.

I finally found the key to success, but somebody changed the lock.

I don’t need a workout program. I just hold my stomach in every time I see a mirror.

I don’t have a beer belly. It’s a protective shield for my rock-hard abs.

I don’t need a personal trainer; I have my own motivational playlist. It’s called ‘Cookie Jar’.