Funny Christian Quotes

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

God must love stupid people, He made so many of them.

I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.

God created the world in six days because He knew the seventh would be football Sunday.

I can do all things through coffee which strengthens me.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, but Jesus thinks I’m to die for.

If Jesus loves me, why doesn’t He ever text me back?

I’m not religious, I just talk to myself and call it praying.

Thou shalt not steal. The government hates competition.

Jesus saves, but Buddha makes incremental backups.

I prayed for patience, and God gave me children.

God, give us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know which one to tweet about!

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy coffee, which is kind of the same thing.

I found Jesus. He was behind the couch the whole time!

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Life is short, eat more donuts.

God made us best friends because He knew our mothers couldn’t handle us as sisters.

When nothing goes right, go to bed and try again tomorrow.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I’m not a complete idiot – some parts are missing.

God doesn’t make mistakes, but He does create a lot of funny looking people.

Remember, if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.

I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.

I’m not sure if my wife kills spiders or if she’s training them to make bigger webs.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies.

My prayers for patience seem to be working, but my prayers for faster internet speed, not so much.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes and she hugged me.

I prayed for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Don’t be a sinner, be a winner!

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

God created the world in six days because He didn’t have to deal with anyone asking when dinner would be ready.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a ‘cell’ phone.

The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies too.

When nothing goes right, go left.

The road to salvation is always under construction.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Lord, grant me patience. And hurry up about it!

I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Karma takes too long, I’d rather just smack you right now.