Bill Maher Quotes

Religion is like a neurological disorder; you either have it or you don’t.

Political correctness doesn’t change us, it shuts us up.

The problem is that religion is closed, and science is open.

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

You can’t look at a sleeping cat and be tense.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

The most dangerous thing about religion is that it allows human beings to violate their own conscience without feeling remorse.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

If Jehovah witnessed murder in the street, he wouldn’t take sides. He’d say, ‘I can’t get involved; it’s your free will’.

The president is like a genie with an all-powerful lamp. He can grant all your wishes, but you know there will be consequences.

Islam is like a crazy customer service rep who keeps telling you to call back later.

If you’re born in America, you’re automatically halfway to hell.

I’m a liberal, which means I’m someone who works for the freedom and liberty of all people… except Republicans.

The second amendment of the Constitution is just words on a piece of parchment. It’s not a magical incantation that protects you from harm.

The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.

Some people say climate change is a hoax. Well, I say let them believe that while they drown in their basements.

The problem with capitalism is that it’s a system run by greedy people who think only of themselves… and that’s what makes it work.

People who say money can’t buy happiness have obviously never owned a jet ski.

I fail to see why spending money on schools is a waste, but spending it on bombs is a great investment.

If you expect the government to take care of you, it will. It will take care of you all the way to the grave.

To me, the definition of a good society is one where everyone has health care and no one has guns.

If you’re against gay marriage, just think of it as a free market solution to overpopulation.

America is the only country where you get more applause for saving money than for spending it.

The problem with the two-party system is that it feels like choosing between dying by drowning or burning.

If conservatives get to call anything they want ‘fake news’, I get to call anything I want ‘alternate facts’.

The difference between ignorance and apathy is that I don’t know and I don’t care.

If you want to see how important education is, try talking to someone who doesn’t have any.

The Tea Party is like a high-maintenance girlfriend. You can never give her enough flowers, but you can always give her more guns.

If I didn’t have a sense of humor about things like religion and politics, I’d probably be in a mental institution.

Freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want without consequences. It means you can say whatever you want and I can call you an idiot.

The problem with democracy is that it gives everyone a voice, even the ones who don’t deserve one.

Conservatives love to complain about the ‘nanny state’ until they need their diapers changed.

When it comes to climate change, conservatives are like someone who refuses to put on a seatbelt because they don’t believe in car accidents.

I’m not against gun ownership; I’m in favor of gun responsibility. If you can’t handle a background check, you can’t handle a gun.

Conservatives are like party crashers who show up late, eat all the food, and then start complaining about the music.

The problem with conservatives is that they put their faith in an invisible hand while ignoring the visible fist.

The only thing worse than a dumb politician is a smart one pretending to be dumb.

If you think the government is going to take away your guns, just wait until they take away your Medicare.

The best way to cure homophobia is with a good dose of homosexuality.

Liberals are like dogs; they’re always happy to see you, even when you’ve been gone for five minutes.

Climate change deniers are like people who insist the earth is flat. You can show them all the evidence in the world, but they still won’t believe you.

Being politically correct means simply thinking before you speak, and considering how your words might affect others.

The biggest threat to free speech is not political correctness; it’s the fear of saying something unpopular or controversial.

In the battle between religion and science, science wins because it has facts on its side. Religion just has a really good PR team.