Marriage is like a game of cards. You start with a full deck, but after a while, all you want is a good hand.
I’m not a racist. I just call it like I see it, and sometimes that makes people uncomfortable.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’d sure like to give it a try.
The problem with the world today is that everyone is so sensitive. Toughen up, people!
I may not always be right, but I’m never wrong.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you unemployment, blame the government.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it use a litter box.
They called it the ‘good old days,’ but I’m not so sure they were that good.
It’s not my fault if people can’t handle my honesty. I can’t sugarcoat the truth.
The secret to a happy marriage is simple: never share the remote control.
You can’t fix stupid, but you can sure as hell laugh at it.
I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist. That’s just a fancy word for telling it like it is.
I don’t need an alarm clock. My wife’s nagging is all the sound I need to wake up.
Life is like a box of chocolates, but sometimes you get a box of raisins instead.
I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least I’m not a spoon.
If I had a dollar for every stupid thing I’ve done, I’d be rich. And also broke.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most don’t use it.
If ignorance is bliss, some people must be the happiest on Earth.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I don’t need an attitude adjustment. Everyone else needs a reality check.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht big enough to sail right up to it.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party.
I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.
The key to happiness is a solid Wi-Fi connection.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Age is just a number, unless you owe money. Then it’s a reminder.
I don’t need anger management. I just have a low tolerance for stupidity.
I don’t regret my past. I just regret the time I wasted on people who didn’t deserve it.
Farting is just my booty applause for a great meal.
I’m not a control freak. I just know how things should be done.
If common sense was common, everyone would have it.
I’m not balding. I’m just tall enough for my hair to look short.
They say laughter is the best medicine. Clearly, they’ve never tried whiskey.
I’m not clumsy. I’m just on a mission to rearrange the furniture without lifting a finger.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them tequila and have a party.
I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.
I may be old, but I’ve earned every wrinkle, grey hair, and creaky joint.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to spend it for me.
I don’t need anger management. I just have a strong dislike for stupidity.
I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just on a constant vacation from productivity.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I’m not a pessimist. I’m just a realist with a sense of humor.
They say you should learn from your mistakes, so I’m going to need a lot of practice.
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