Marriage is like a football game. You trade offense for defense and wind up with a lot of unnecessary roughness penalties.
Women. You can’t live with them, pass the beer nuts.
You know what the best thing about being married is? Not having to date anymore.
I have a lot of friends. All of them have TV shows about cars and worldwide fame.
Marriage is like a tornado. In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing. And then you lose your house.
I’d rather wash my socks in a gas station bathroom than spend another minute with my wife.
Marriage is a lot like a sitcom. You always have to come up with a quick punchline to keep the audience entertained.
When life gives you lemons, make sure your wife doesn’t find out or she’ll make you make lemonade.
I used to dream of winning the lottery, but then I realized I already had the jackpot. It was called being single.
If Tim Tebow can find a wife, there’s hope for all of us.
I can handle being a one-woman man. If only that one woman didn’t have to be my wife.
When we got married, my wife promised to love, honor, and obey. Turns out, she only remembers the ‘obey’ part.
My wife said she wanted a romantic, candlelit dinner. So I ordered a pizza and lit a candle.
Love is like a toilet seat. Up or down, you’re always going to land in crap.
Marriage is a lot like a pair of socks. Sometimes, you just have to throw them away and start fresh.
If marriage was an Olympic sport, I would have been disqualified for having an unfair advantage – my wife.
Every day with my wife feels like a year. And not one of those good years, like 1998 or 2004.
People say marriage is about compromise. I say it’s about losing arguments and pretending to be happy about it.
I once asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said ‘surprise me.’ So I showed up naked. That was a mistake.
Marriage is like a roller coaster. It’s fun until you throw up.
I’ve been married for so long, my wedding ring just turned into a mood ring. It’s stuck on ‘angry’.
I’ve learned that marriage is all about finding someone who will push all your buttons and then complain that you don’t like being pushed.
Did you hear about the guy who invented divorce? He’s a millionaire now. Turns out, it was a good investment.
They say laughter is the best medicine, but have they ever tried beer?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy me a beer, and that’s pretty close.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Oh, I’m sorry, did my sarcasm interrupt your ignorance?
The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
I’m not saying I hate mornings, but if morning had a face, I would punch it.
I have a Ph.D. in laziness. Unfortunately, my wife has a master’s in nagging.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze them in your enemy’s eyes.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
The problem with common sense is that it’s not very common.
My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
I don’t need a psychotherapist. I have a wife who gives me a 24/7 analysis of everything that’s wrong with me.
Why do they call it ‘menopause’ when it should be called ‘men may pause’ to leave the room before the storm hits?
I once asked my wife to make me a sandwich. She said, ‘Poof, you’re a sandwich.’
I’m not sure if I need anger management classes or if everyone just needs to stop being idiots.
I’m not saying my wife is a bad cook, but I once found a recipe for terrible lasagna in her recipe box.
Marriage is a beautiful journey. Well, until you realize it’s more like a never-ending road trip with someone who always wants to stop and ask for directions.
My wife told me to stop acting like a child. So I gathered my toys and went to my man cave.
I can’t believe they give driver’s licenses to people who can’t stay in their lane in a grocery store parking lot.
I used to think my wife was always right. Until I found out she forgot how to make a sandwich.
There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the actual truth. And you can bet your ass my wife’s version has nothing to do with the truth.