Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. It’s like signing up for a 24/7 comedy show where nobody laughs.
Speaking your mind can be dangerous, but not speaking your mind can be deadly boring.
Marriage is like a fart – if you force it, it’s probably shit.
If I had a dollar for every stupid thing I’ve done, I’d be rich. Unfortunately, I’ve spent it all on dumb shit.
The great thing about getting older is that you no longer have to worry about impressing anyone. You can just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
Life is like a box of chocolates – if you eat them all at once, you’ll probably get diabetes.
Success is a journey, not a destination. But sometimes, the journey can feel like one long, painful road trip with no rest stops.
I don’t have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of settling for someone who sucks.
A wise man once said nothing at all. Then he drank tequila and did a keg stand.
The best part of growing up is realizing that nobody really has their shit together.
You know you’re getting old when you start going to bed at 9 PM and it’s not because you have work in the morning.
Life is too short to waste on people who don’t appreciate your sarcasm.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion. But I’m pretty sure I’m on the right side of it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that you can’t fix stupid. But you can laugh at it.
Tom Segura Quotes – A Collection of Hilarious and Insightful Words from the Comedian part 2
I don’t need therapy. I just need a good Netflix binge and a bottle of wine.
You can always count on life to throw you a curveball when you least expect it. So, learn how to swing and make it a home run.
Don’t take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.
The key to a happy marriage is a strong wifi signal and separate bathrooms.
Nobody has their shit together at
If you do, you’re probably a serial killer.
If someone tells you to ‘just be yourself,’ they’re probably trying to get rid of you.
I’m not lazy. I’m just conserving energy for when I actually need to do something important. Like ordering pizza.
Life is a balancing act. One moment you’re on top of the world, and the next, you’re face-first in a pile of shit.
The best way to predict your future is to create it. Unless you’re a fortune teller – then it’s your job.
If I had a dollar for every time I made a bad decision, I’d have enough money to make even worse decisions.
Sometimes, the best revenge is simply living a happy life. That, or hitting them with your car.
Life is like a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. Or just get a tandem bike and let someone else do the work.
I’m not a morning person. I’m not an afternoon person. I’m barely a person at all.
They say ‘ignorance is bliss,’ but I think they’re just dumb and happy.
The best advice I can give you is to never take advice from me.
Life is too short to worry about what other people think of you. Unless they’re your boss, then worry away.
Every day is a new chance to screw up your life. So, embrace the chaos and make it count.
The key to success is not giving a shit about what other people think. But also not giving a shit about what you think.
I once tried to forget about my problems, but they found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request.
The most dangerous thing about high school is that it never really ends. You just trade bullies for bosses.
My love language is sarcasm. If I’m sarcastic with you, it means I love you. Or I hate you. It’s hard to say, really.
They say ‘time heals all wounds.’ I say ‘alcohol helps too.’
I don’t believe in luck, but I do believe in tequila shots.
The best way to deal with stress is to take a vacation. Or imagine that you’re on a vacation while binge-watching your favorite show.
People who say ‘money can’t buy happiness’ have clearly never tried online shopping.
I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I’m pretty damn close. Just ask my dog – he thinks I’m a god.
Marry the person who makes you laugh even when you’re on the verge of tears. And who lets you eat the last slice of pizza.
I don’t need a personal trainer. I have my dog to drag me off the couch when I’ve been sitting too long.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you probably don’t deserve me at my okayest.
I don’t hold grudges. I prefer to keep a mental list of people I never want to accidentally run into again.
Life is like a stand-up comedy show. You have to keep laughing, even when the jokes aren’t funny.
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