D’oh! The sound of my life’s biggest mistakes.
If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.
The only thing better than a donut is a donut in each hand.
You can’t keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on.
I don’t have a cow, man!
I am not a bad guy. I work hard, and I love my kids.
It’s not a lie if you believe it.
You know, a lifetime of working with children has made me miserable.
This is my happy face.
I thought I was going to die, but I didn’t. So it was a win!
I have no short-term memory. I dont remember what I said.
Why can’t we be friends? Oh, right, youre a horrible person.
Oh, I dont need to tell you why Im here. Youre the one who called me.
The only time I set the bar low is for limbo.
I dont need a license to drive a sandwich!
The lesson is, never take life too seriously.
Well, it’s a living!
Ive learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
My brain is huge; it’s the rest of my body thats the problem.
The best part of waking up is still being in bed.
Gah! I can’t believe I ever wanted to be a grown-up.
I’m not a bad parent; I’m just a misunderstood genius.
I can’t find my remote; I guess Ill just change the channel with my mind.
I couldnt possibly comment on that my silence speaks volumes!
Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
Why is it that every time I think Im out, they pull me back in?
I dont need sleep; I need a snack!
I came, I saw, I ate.
You miss 100% of the naps you dont take.
If something’s wrong with my family, I don’t want to know about it.
I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.
I cant believe you thought of that; I was just about to say it!
You had me at donut.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my weekends long.
If at first you dont succeed, just give up.
Ah, sweet, sweet ignorance!
The only thing I get out of bed for is pizza.
I am a part-time optimist; full-time pizza lover.
The secret to happiness is not caring about things.
Many people are in a bad mood; Im just in my mood.
I wish I could be as thin as my paycheck.
A balanced diet is having a cookie in each hand.
Sometimes I think the best way to solve a problem is to ignore it.
Life is like a donut; its full of holes, but thats what makes it sweet.
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