I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin
If there’s a will, there’s a relative. – Unknown
I’m sorry, if my opinion mattered, I would have asked for it. – Unknown
Why be difficult when, with a little effort, you can be impossible? – Unknown
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode. – Unknown
I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you. – Unknown
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be asking people why they’re giving me free dollars. – Unknown
I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me. – Ray Bradbury
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. – Unknown
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. – Unknown
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. – Miles Kington
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. – Demetri Martin
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
I told you I was sick. – Spike Milligan (as his epitaph)
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis
How do I feel about being 70? There’s nothing different for me. I don’t feel 70. I feel like I did when I was
– Sophia Loren
I’m sure mosquitoes are attracted to me because I’m so sweet. – Unknown
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. – Unknown
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. – Oscar Wilde
I put so much more effort into naming my Wi-Fi network than my child. – Unknown
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. – Unknown
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. – Unknown
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry
The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Peter Drucker
Please keep me away from wisdom, it tends to make me feel old and feeble-minded. – Unknown
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
I’m not lazy. I’m waiting for inspiration to hit me with a brick. – Unknown
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to spend it for me. – Unknown
I’m allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm. – Unknown
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. – Mae West
Just because I’m sleeping, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about food. – Unknown
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett
I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. – Unknown
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. – Unknown
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. – Unknown
A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory. – Mark Twain
Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out. – Unknown
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
You can’t have everything, where would you put it? – Steven Wright
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