Steven Wright Quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I got a new job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

I’ve often wondered why people don’t become artists after they retire, but then I realized, most people retire because they’ve already become artists.

I put batteries in backwards and the toy came back to me.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a jellyfish. But I couldn’t figure out how to make money doing it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend. But she left me before we met.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect… therefore I am perfect.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

I used to be a mime. Until one day I woke up and realized I wasn’t really there.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.

I’m going to get my eyes tattooed on the bottoms of my feet so that I can see where I’m going and who I’m stepping on.

I came home and found everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like ‘Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?’ or ‘Do you have that 50 cents you borrowed?’

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller.

I was afraid of the dark until I learned that most horror movies are set in well-lit areas.