I’m a study in contradictions: lazy and ambitious, sensitive and tough, shy and outgoing.
Happiness isn’t something you experience; it’s something you remember.
I’m the world’s oldest teenager.
I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time.
I’m no psychologist. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m not even human.
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a delicatessen.
I never practice my piano. From time to time, I just open the lid and let a few hours of practice fall out.
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
I’m a genius, but I’m also insane. So, it all evens out in the end.
The first time I ever played the piano in public, I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. And they’ve been shaking ever since.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
I have given up on reality and now I live in my imagination. It’s much more interesting here.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.
I love mankind, it’s people I can’t stand.
I don’t drink; I don’t smoke; and I don’t swear. My whole life is a lie.
I once had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I’m not prejudiced; I hate everyone equally.
The secret to staying young is never growing up.
I’m a pessimist because I’m so smart. I see all the flaws and imperfections in the world.
I spend most of my day alternating between crippling self-doubt and unwarranted self-confidence.
Having nothing to do is the most exhausting thing in the world.
I’m a perfectionist, so I always set the bar low to avoid disappointment.
I’ve given up on the pursuit of happiness; I’m just trying to avoid unhappiness.
I’m not sure if I’m a procrastinator or just really good at doing nothing.
I’m not crazy, but my thoughts are insane.
My main goal in life is to have no goals.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
I believe in luck; how else can you explain the success of people you don’t like?
I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.
I’m a firm believer in the power of random acts of confusion.
I’m not interested in being interesting; I’m interested in being interested.
I have a lot of great ideas; unfortunately, they’re all terrible.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I always tell the truth, even when I lie.
I’m not crazy; the voices in my head just have really bad suggestions.
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but I’ve never seen us in the same room together.
I may be a mess, but I’m a beautifully chaotic mess.
I’m not afraid of dying; I’m afraid of living a boring life.
I’ve learned that it’s better to be disappointed than to be deceived.
I’m a master of sarcasm; it’s my native language.
I may be a genius, but I’m also an idiot.
I don’t need therapy, I have my piano.
I may not be a role model, but I’m an excellent cautionary tale.
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