I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.
I hope that my achievements in life shall be celebrated with a cake.
I don’t mind eels, except as meals.
Tigers are better off in the zoo, but not if you’re a kangaroo.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.
The trouble with a kitten is that it grows up to be a cat.
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
You are only young once, but can be immature indefinitely.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
When your mama was the queen of the ballroom, a bulldozer looked like a swan to her.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?
The camel has a single hump, the dromedary two, or else the other way around. I’m never sure. Are you?
What a strange thing is man! And what a stranger thing is woman.
Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.
The rhino is a homely beast, for human eyes he’s not a feast. Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, I’ll stare at something less prepoceros.
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
The Lord in His wisdom created the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.
Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous.
Home is heaven and orgies are vile, But you need an orgy once in a while.
If you want to be happy for life, make sure you don’t forget your wife.
If you don’t want to have headaches, you must take pills every morning.
Shake a friend’s hand impressively, as though the thing were money, or buttered toast.
When people care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul.
We believe in nothing – nothing at all – because after all, Mankind is somebody’s dog (G.R.)
Anglo-Saxon scholars have made a good guess that Ogden came from wood valley.
He could have been a lion tamer if the lion hadn’t left town.
He thinks by infection, And she by jingo.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I love you more than a duck can swim.
I wish to make it clear beyond all doubt that I do not harbor any deep, dark, guilty secret. Yet, if I did, how could I be expected to reveal it to all and sundry on the printed page?
The people at large never criticize a bloke for anything wrong that he’s done. Like the guy who throws all his friends out the door and collapses in the bowl with his boots on.
Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made.
People expect old men to die, They do not really mourn old men. Old men are different. People look At them with eyes that wonder when…
Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have just as little to do with it as possible.
The universe lies before you on the floor, in the mysterious bodies of your dancers, in your mind.
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