Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get… unless you read the label.
Don’t cry over spilled milk… just clean it up and move on.
If life gives you lemons, make sure you have some sugar and water too.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless you have a bird phobia.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but so are glasses.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that’s pretty close.
Opportunity doesn’t always knock twice… sometimes it just texts.
If at first you don’t succeed, maybe skydiving isn’t for you.
Dance like nobody’s watching, because they’re probably not.
The early bird catches the worm, but the late bird gets brunch.
The grass is always greener on the other side, because they have a better landscaper.
Honesty is the best policy, except when it involves telling your grandmother her cookies taste like cardboard.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too… unless you buy two cakes.
Time flies when you’re having fun, so make sure to wear a seatbelt.
There’s no place like home, unless you live in a shoe.
A watched pot never boils, but an ignored pot burns.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade… and then add vodka.
All that glitters is not gold, but it might still be worth a lot of money.
You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, or a few chickens… it’s unclear.
Every cloud has a silver lining, but some clouds just rain on your parade.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but the silent wheel gets to nap undisturbed.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, unless it’s a zombie.
If you can’t beat them, join them… and then beat them with experience.
You’re never too old to learn something new, but you might be too old to remember it.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but so does a good health insurance plan.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, unless the cover has glitter and puppies.
When in doubt, just take a nap… everything will still be there when you wake up.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but a laptop is mightier than both.
If life gives you lemons, make sure to squeeze them into someone’s eye.
Laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re laughing at someone’s funeral.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today… unless it involves exercise.
Don’t burn bridges, unless you’re a professional fire-breather.
If you want something done right, do it yourself… unless it involves brain surgery.
Home is where the heart is, but a Jacuzzi is where the relaxation is.
When life gives you lemons, hope it also gives you sugar and tequila.
The road to success is paved with hard work, but a GPS helps too.
Every journey begins with a single step, or a bus ride if you’re feeling lazy.
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing baseball… or any other sport for that matter.
A rolling stone gathers no moss, but it might attract some really annoyed squirrels.
If you can’t beat them, try playing a different game… like hide and seek.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, but you also avoid 100% of the fails.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back… with eight more lives to spare.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog… unless the dog is a Chihuahua.
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