The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
My luck is so bad, if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
I love Costco because you can buy a year’s supply of mustard in one jar.
I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Looking 50 is great if you’re 60.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I hate thin people; anorexia is the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, ‘I don’t believe it.’
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
I’ve had so much Botox, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
Diets, like clothes, should be tight enough to show you’re doing something but loose enough to allow a little breathing room.
I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.
Oh, don’t lecture me, Max. I gave up wearing a white dress every day. Unlike some people, I could wear one.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Looking 50 is great if you’re 60.
I’m not interested in young people who tell me how they can’t wait to be old. I want to say, “I can’t wait to be dead.” Be dead. Enough with the chatter.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I could talk about tits all day…
I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
I said, ‘Young man, check, please!’ I’m not going to jail for a year of sobriety!
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Diets, like clothes, should be tight enough to show you’re doing something but loose enough to allow a little breathing room.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
There are many ways to cure hiccups, but the best is to have a scare!
Looking 50 is great if you’re 60.
Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.
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