Jim Halpert Quotes

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.

I’m not boring. I’m basic.

I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me.

Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.

I need to lie down, and then maybe from a prone position, I can reach new levels of productivity.

The worst thing about prison was the Dementors.

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.

I don’t understand the gym. Why would I pay money to exercise when I can not exercise for free?

I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.

I bought a baby clothes at a garage sale and the button fell off. Now I’m afraid if I have a baby, it’ll be naked.

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go.

I’m not a hero. I’m a high-functioning barely-alive person.

Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

If I had to have a tagline for my life, it would be, ‘Jim Halpert: Scranton Strangler?’

I am constantly amazed by the things Michael says. It’s like someone took a list of my least favorite things and put them all into one sentence.

Bread is the paper of the food industry; you write your sandwich on it.

I don’t want to hear about it, Pam. I don’t want to hear about it, Angela. I definitely don’t want to hear about it, Oscar.

You can’t make somebody choose what’s right for them. All you can do is give them the information.

I’m waiting for a delivery. Not a big deal, I just really want my makeup bag.

If I had a nickel for every time I was right about something, I’d be broke.

I like the smell of gasoline. It reminds me of the time I won a NASCAR race.

Sometimes I think I’m a genius. Then I try to microwave something for 17 minutes and realize I’m just a regular guy.

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage ’cause I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn.

I’m totally gonna win the lottery. I just know it. I haven’t won yet, but I will.

I want to be one of those people who can say, ‘I love working out.’ But I don’t love working out. I love eating cupcakes.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m getting sick of pranks. No, I can’t say that with a straight face.

I am cool. I am spunky. People like me.

I’ve always wanted to drive across America, top down, music loud, with maybe a few women in the backseat.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anyone thinking they can get away with telling me how to live my life.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

I’m just the guy who can’t say ‘no’ because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. So, I say ‘yes’ and then I do the thing, and then I feel resentful.

I have six roommates, which are better than friends because they have to give you one month’s rent in advance.

Eventually, all the pieces will fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason.

I’m like top-secret clearance, but for threats to my well-being.

Who needs LinkedIn? I have Dunder Mifflin.

I’m a big believer in cheese. In fact, I’ve been known to eat an entire block of cheese by myself.

I’ve tried to pretend to like things before. It’s exhausting.

ABC – Always Be Closing… deals with myself to do things because I’m self-employed.

I don’t always have the right answer, but I believe that if we work together, we can figure out the best solution.