Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I was living the American dream. I had a fabric softener commercial!

I don’t want a city that never sleeps, I want a city that goes to bed at a reasonable hour.

I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Men want the same thing from women that they want from their underwear… a little support, and a little freedom.

I’ve never turned on jazz and said, ‘Oh yeah, this is what I’m talking about!’

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I’m not a coffee drinker. I’m a caffeine appreciator.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.

You can’t teach height.

I can’t keep my mouth shut when I’m around peppermint schnapps.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.

I’ll tell you how to stay alive. You need a seat belt. You see my friend here? He’s not wearing one. See, I don’t care if he lives or dies.

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes part 2

It’s not enough that I should succeed – others should fail.

I am so busy doing nothing… that sometimes I forget to do something.

Birthday parties, huh? They’re getting more dangerous every year.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

You can’t go to bed mad at each other on New Year’s Eve. You don’t want to wake up with bad luck.

Don’t you love the sound of champagne corks popping in the morning? Feels like victory.

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I have only been in love with a beer bottle and a mirror.

I know the ugliest guy in the world. He has a face like a saint… A Saint Bernard.

Gentlemen, start your colonoscopies.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Sculptors use stone, I use people.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

I tend to not really be interested in what people tell me they do. I find that people are not really doing anything interesting.

I think that people talk way too much. Sometimes people should just zip it.

I don’t understand why people would want a celebrity burger. I mean, a hamburger tastes great without any help.

It’s just so rare that something feels good and you’re actually allowed to do it.

It’s not a good thing to think about yourself. If you tend to like yourself, and you’re alone one day, you have nothing to think about.

I think the big mistake in schools is trying to teach children anything. We should just assume that they are not going to learn, and just give up on them.

I love supermarkets. I love going to supermarkets. That’s where all the food is. People say, ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’ Well, that’s crazy. Have you ever tried supermarket cake?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? ‘Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.’

I came up with my own expression. I like to make things with my hands, and I always say, ‘I knit.’ So people always go, ‘Oh, really? Like, you knit sweaters?’ No, I bully people.

I don’t know how long this will go on. I’m like a lighthouse to crazy people.

Men want the same thing from women that they want from their underwear… a little support, and a little freedom.

You know you’re over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

Why is laundry detergent blue? Who has blue dirt?

I’ve never understood plastic surgery. Most of the time it doesn’t make people look better, just younger. But then what? You’re still the same size idiot you were before.