I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I drink in front of a mirror.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
I go on fishing trips and I put worms on a hook. They think it’s kinky. I see them in bars afterwards and they say, ‘I hooked up!’
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
The food in this place is terrible… and such small portions!
I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too.’
I once met the man of my dreams, but then I found out our dreams were about different people.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional because all professionals carry their knives in a briefcase.
I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I have all the money I’ll ever need, as long as I die by 4 o’clock.
I played golf in high school. I was so bad, the other players would ask me, ‘Do you mind moving, you’re in my line of sight.’
I’m not afraid of dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I told my wife, ‘If you leave me, I’m going with you.’ And she told me, ‘Don’t you dare.’
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
I once asked a cab driver to take me where the action is. He took me to my house.
I’m at an age when my back goes out more often than I do.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
I’m not a gourmet cook but I love cooking. When I cook, the fire department comes.”
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
She met me in a revolving door, and we’ve been going around together ever since!
My wife and I have a vow of celibacy. We’ve been going without for so long, we’re afraid to start again.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
My wife says I never listen to her, or something like that.
I once asked a cab driver to take me where the action is. He took me to my house.
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.
Last week, I told my psychiatrist, ‘I keep thinking about suicide.’ He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I know nothing about sex, because I’ve always been married.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
I’m at an age when my back goes out more often than I do.
I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.’
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Be First to Comment