Groucho Marx Quotes

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.

I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows. Marriage does.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I’ve been trying to write a letter to my wife, but I can’t find the words. They should be along any minute now.

I married your mother because I wanted children, and, unfortunately, your father because I wanted children too.

Groucho Marx Quotes part 2

Why should I care about posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

I have a mind to join a club, and beat you over the head with it.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Hello, I must be going.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.

I didn’t like you right away. A gold mine has never appealed to me.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he’s a crook.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I have a mind to join a club, and beat you over the head with it.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Hello, I must be going.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I have a photographic memory, which has been not a very helpful thing because I don’t have a photographic mind.