Some people see the glass half empty. Others see it half full. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.’
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin Quotes part 2
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
Take two measures of irony and a dose of satire, and you’ve got the recipe for a great comedy.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Ever notice how anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you…..But don’t make me wear your shoes.
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Climate change is just nature’s way of trying to kill us all.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no I in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.’
I’m afraid of losing my obscurity. Genuineness only thrives in the dark. Like celery.
It’s called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
When someone is impatient and says, I haven’t got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
If you don’t have a sense of humor, you’ll never survive.
I don’t believe in politicians. I think it’s all a bunch of bullshit, and I’ll tell you why. No matter what promises they make, once they get into office, they sell us out. They sit at the big table and decide where to send our men in uniform to fight and die in wars they’ve started for reasons that are nothing more than lies. And as far as I’m concerned, politicians are no better than a change of soap.
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