Funny Football Quotes

I don’t fear players who have tattoos, I fear players who can’t spell their own names.

Football is a simple game. 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win.

I couldn’t believe it when I got a yellow card for diving. I mean, I was just trying to make swimming lessons more interesting.

They say football is a game of inches. Turns out, so is the difference between a goal and an offside.

I told my wife I would do anything to bring home the World Cup. She said, ‘Great, can you start with taking out the trash?’

I asked the referee for a yellow card on my opponent. He said, ‘What should I do with it?’ I replied, ‘Give it to him so he can color within the lines.’

I tried to become a professional footballer, but my mom said I had better chances of becoming the next Picasso.

I always wanted to be a goalkeeper because I thought it meant you could use your hands. Turns out, they just use you as a human target.

The only thing I’m good at in football is kicking the air. It’s like I’m secretly trying to audition for a ballet.

I told my team I would stand on my head and juggle the ball if we won the match. It turns out, that’s not allowed.

I once asked my coach why I was always benched. He said, ‘Because the only time you dribble is when you’re drinking water.’

I like to think of myself as the Messi of the Sunday league. Unfortunately, I’m more like the Messi after a night out with too much beer.

I brought a ladder to the football pitch because my dream was to score a goal from a height. Now I have a restraining order.

My teammates call me the ‘King of Nutmegs’ because I’m always getting people in a twist.

I went to a football match and asked the ticket seller for a seat in the thriller section. He said, ‘You’re in luck, we have a special section for own goals.’

I once tried to impress a girl by showing off my football skills. I ended up hitting her in the face with the ball.

I told my coach I had a bad case of ‘sweaty feet’ and he sent me to a podiatrist. Little did he know, I just didn’t want to run.

Yesterday, I played the best game of my life. Unfortunately, it was FIFA on my Xbox.

I told my opponent I would give him a ‘heat-seeking missile’ shot. Turns out, my aim is more like a blindfolded archer.

I asked my coach for some coaching tips and he said, ‘Kick the ball into the opponent’s goal.’ I replied, ‘Wow, I never thought of that.’

My teammates call me the ‘Human Highlight Reel’ because I can’t seem to stop tripping and falling on the field.

I once scored a goal and my celebration was so epic, the referee gave me a yellow card for excessive showboating.

My coach told me to play like a lion on the field, so I brought a mane and started roaring. He didn’t seem impressed.

I tried to be a referee once, but I kept blowing the whistle for halftime instead of for fouls.

I asked my coach if I could play on the right wing. He said, ‘You can barely fly in a straight line, let alone cross the ball.’

I told my teammates I had the heart of a lion. They asked me where I bought it, so I told them it was on sale at the zoo.

I asked the opposition if they wanted to play ‘hide and seek’ on the pitch. Turns out, they took it too seriously and called the police.

I once took a shot so powerful, it pierced the net and hit the goalkeeper’s ego.

My coach told me to ‘take one for the team,’ so I brought a pillow and pretended to take a nap on the field.

I tried to do a bicycle kick and ended up falling off my bike. Turns out, I need more practice on two wheels before I try with one.

I asked the coach if we could have cake at halftime. He said, ‘Only if we’re winning by a slice.’

I asked the referee if I could ‘Netflix and chill’ during the match. He didn’t seem to understand the reference.

I once tried to slide tackle an opponent and ended up tackling the wrong player. They both had the same color socks, alright?

I told my teammates they were playing like headless chickens. They took it as a compliment and started crowing.

My coach told me I had to be more ‘hands-on’ in defense. So, I brought a pair of gloves and started high-fiving the opposition.

I asked my coach if we could have a pizza party after the match. He said, ‘Only if we can have pineapple on it.’ That’s where I draw the line.

I once tried to do a somersault throw-in and ended up somersaulting straight into the referee’s notebook.

I told my coach I had the ‘eye of the tiger.’ He told me to stop watching Rocky movies before the matches.

I asked my teammate what his favorite type of music was. He said, ‘I don’t know, I never listen to the coach.’

I told my coach I was feeling a bit ‘deflated’ and he said, ‘Welcome to the club, we all are.’

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. That’s why I’m here, pretending to be a footballer.

I once tackled an opponent so hard, his ancestors felt it. Turns out, I’m not cut out for archaeology either.

I asked my coach if I could have a ‘fake injury’ day off. He said, ‘How about a ‘fake winning goal’ instead?’

I told my teammates we needed to be more ‘goal-oriented.’ They asked if that meant we could skip defense and go straight to the opponents’ goal.

I once took a penalty shot and the goalkeeper saved it with his face. I swear he must have a magnet for balls.