I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.
Don’t worry, I’ve seen worse and survived.
Medicine is not an exact science – it’s more of an educated guessing game.
If all else fails, try duct tape.
I operate under the principle of ‘if it’s not broke, don’t fix it’.
Who needs medical school when you can watch YouTube tutorials?
Remember, laughter is the best medicine… Unless you have an actual medical condition, then maybe go see a real doctor.
I’ve been known to make miracles happen with a little bit of faith and a lot of morphine.
As a doctor, my motto is ‘better safe than sorry, unless it’s too expensive, then maybe just sorry’.
I once had a patient with a rare condition where their legs turned into bagpipes. Needless to say, I had to improvise.
I believe in alternative medicine, like prescribing a daily dose of chocolate.
I like to think of myself as the MacGyver of medicine – give me a rubber band and a paperclip, and I can perform surgery.
The key to good health is a balanced diet, like having a slice of cake in each hand.
I may not have a medical degree, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but it also keeps me away from my paycheck.
As a doctor, my job is to make you feel better – emotionally, physically, financially.
Why do people always ask for a ‘second opinion’? I’m very confident in my first opinion.
If laughter is the best medicine, then I must be the world’s greatest doctor.
I once cured a patient simply by giving them a high-five. True story.
I don’t believe in coincidences, only medical miracles that haven’t been explained yet.
Sometimes the best treatment is a good old-fashioned placebo.
If you can’t afford a doctor, just follow my medical advice from TV – it’s practically the same thing.
I once diagnosed a patient with ‘having too many cats syndrome’ – turns out they were just lonely.
The secret to a long life? Avoid doctors at all costs.
I’m not a real doctor, but I am really good at pretending to be one.
I once accidentally performed surgery on the wrong patient. But hey, they both survived!
There’s no better feeling than saving a life and then billing them for it.
During medical school, they taught us that ‘if all else fails, blame the patient’.
I like to think of myself as a medical detective – I solve the mysteries of the human body with a stethoscope and a magnifying glass.
If you’re feeling under the weather, just remember that the weather is always changing.
I once had a patient whose symptoms were so strange, I thought they were faking it. Turns out they were just really unlucky.
I’m not a miracle worker, but I did once perform a surgery blindfolded.
Sometimes the best way to heal is to just stay in bed and binge-watch TV shows. Trust me, I’m a doctor.
I always tell my patients to ‘take two aspirin and call me in the morning’. Not because it will help, but because I need a good laugh.
They say laughter is contagious, but so are a lot of diseases. Just something to keep in mind.
The medical field is constantly evolving, which is why I try to avoid reading medical journals and just watch TV instead.
I may not have the best bedside manner, but I make up for it with my impressive collection of surgical masks.
I once healed a broken heart with a combination of chicken soup and a romantic comedy marathon.
They say ‘do no harm’, but sometimes a little harm is necessary to get the job done.
I’m a firm believer in the power of positive thinking, even if it means ignoring all the negative test results.
I may not have a license to practice medicine, but I do have a license to drive – so if you need a ride to the hospital, I’m your guy.
I once treated a patient who kept complaining about headaches, turns out they were just holding the phone wrong.
Medicine is an art, and I’m the Picasso of malpractice.
I believe in the power of hugs, as long as they’re followed by a hefty bill.
At the end of the day, it’s not about how many lives you save, but how many insurance claims you submit.
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