Comedian Quotes

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. – Woody Allen

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. – Zach Galifianakis

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. – Mae West

I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing. – Ellen DeGeneres

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Bill Murray

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott (The Office)

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers. – Richard Pryor

My mother always used to say: ‘The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.’ – Roseanne Barr

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

I live by ‘Go big or go home.’ That’s with everything. It’s like either commit and go for it or don’t do it at all. I apply that to everything. I apply that to relationships, I apply that to like sports, I apply that to everything. That’s what I live by. That’s how I like it. – Paul Walker

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – John Lennon

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. – Unknown

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. – Joan Rivers

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess

No matter what you think you’ll get used to the idea of dying, but you’re not going to. – Steve Martin

Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way. – Steve Martin

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood

The only reason I would ever call you beautiful is because I only have a limited vocabulary. – Unknown

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Rodney Dangerfield

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – Steven Wright

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. – Mark Twain

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

It takes a lot of money to look this cheap. – Dolly Parton

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. – Jane Wagner

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

My biggest professional ambition is to get a decrease in fan mail. – Phyllis Diller

I have a vest, if I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket. – Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Dolly Parton

I’m busy! Well, not tonight but I’m also busy tonight. – Unknown

You haven’t lost your smile at all, it’s right under your nose. You just forgot it was there. – Unknown

Do you ever just look at someone and wonder, ‘What is going on inside their head?’ – Unknown

I always toy with the idea of getting a piece of tattoo. – Graham Norton

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. – Mitch Hedberg