Chris Rock Quotes

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

I live for the applause. I don’t think anyone really lives without it.

I’ve always been a cool person.

Don’t you hate when your relatives touch you? I mean, it’s your mom’s sister, it’s your auntie, but for some reason, she’s still not a stranger.

You can’t really have a restaurant and say, ‘Well, we have the best food.’ That’s not enough. You have to have the best food, the best attitude, the best everything.

You can’t hand your resume out on the street, right? Would you really want someone to see you do that? It’s like standing on the corner with a sign that says, ‘I want a job.’

I’m not scared of the microphone like I used to be.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

You don’t see a lot of white people with good credit in black neighborhoods. Because nothing good ever happens in black neighborhoods.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, and Germany doesn’t want to go to war.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.

I always want to work with people who are better than I am.

You can’t be successful and be worried about what other people are thinking.

I believe you should watch your mouth. I believe you should never, ever, ever say the N-word.

I think all comedians are someplace on the spectrum. I think comedians have the Asperger’s of the heart.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese. That’s all you need to know about America.

My mother-in-law broke up my wife’s first marriage. My wife came home from school. I guess her mom ain’t like the dude!

I was always the type of kid who got separation anxiety when it came to getting on the bus for the first day of school. I would shed a tear.

If you’re not really a thug, can’t nobody make you a thug. You’re just a man pretending to be a thug.

If you’re a man, you don’t cry about it, you take life, the ups and downs – if you’re a real man’s gonna take that journey.

I love rap, but I think the work ethic in rap is a little too relaxed.

You can’t make fun of a lifestyle. That’s what hip-hop is, it’s a lifestyle.

The worst thing about losing weight is that everyone wants to pat your back and tell you their secrets.

A lot of times, women don’t think about their husband or their family when they’re cheating. They’re just thinking about, ‘I want to get some.’

Women, they don’t want you to keep them happy. They just want you to be there and not make them unhappy.

We always assume that the person we’re interviewing is going to know about the dumb mistakes we’ve made in the past. And they never do.

You can talk white and drive black.

I love being black because I can always say, ‘Is racism still alive? Well, I fucked your mother last night.’

I don’t know what’s scarier, government surveillance or knowing that your ex-girlfriend can see everything you’re doing.

If a woman tells you she’s 20 and looks 16, she’s

If she tells you she’s 26 and looks 26, she’s damn near

32. When you’re driving with the map upside down, your map’s not wrong, everybody else’s is.

To be happy, you have to love, and to love, you have to be happy.

I believe you can love a person for the rest of your life, but that doesn’t mean they belong in your life.

If you don’t have a good education, you’re fucked.

Rap music doesn’t cause crime, you know. To be honest with you, rap music has saved a lot of kids.

You want to have a good attitude about it, because it’s not the employer’s fault. It’s just that the economy stinks.

If you’re homeless and you have a job, you’re not homeless, you’re camping.

Nobody deserves to be homeless, but if you’re lazy and you don’t want to work hard, then you deserve it.

I’m a big fan of the Kardashians. I think they’re all like, ‘Happy Saturday! Here’s a bikini selfie!’ I mean, how can you not love them?

I’m just trying to be a better person, trying to be a better father, trying to be a better comedian.

I’m always going to do things that I think are funny.

Everybody’s got skeletons in the closet, but at the end of the day, we all want to be loved and accepted.

Some people say that word is racist, but if you ask me, it’s just a word.

You can’t buy your way out of your problems. You can’t medicate your way out of your problems. You can only work your way out of your problems.