I’m not a superhero. I’m a high-functioning narcissist.
I don’t care about your problems, Lemon. I have enough problems of my own. Like finding a new place to hide my money.
Why are all the great ones homicidal maniacs? Is that what kills the great ones?
I don’t have a lot of female friends. I tend to offend them with my honesty.
You know what? If I wanted to hear you talk, I’d shove a microphone up your ass and press ‘play.’
My mom used to say that two wrongs don’t make a right, but I soon discovered that three left turns do.
You can’t spell ‘dick’ without ‘K Donaghy.’
Lemon, I would never throw my cell phone at you. I might forget you’re not a man.
Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them in order to stay alive.
I like being rich. It’s like being a superhero without the tights.
The problem with facts is that there are so many of them.
I am a man who knows how to harness the power of denial.
I don’t need much. Just a constant stream of compliments and a room full of gold coins.
I’m not homophobic. I’m heterophobic. I’m afraid that someone will think I’m gay, and then they’ll stop doing stuff for me.
I can talk to women! I haven’t cried in six years!
I don’t like political correctness. I prefer to call it what it is: a communist plot.
Winning is every poor person’s dream. And from what I’ve seen, they’re not great at achieving dreams.
I don’t mind powerful women. I’m a feminist. I grew up in the ’70s. My mother burned her bra, or, as she called it, her boob sling.
I have the emotional capacity of a baguette.
Hollywood respects money, not art. They need to keep making money so they can afford to not make art.
Why would I want to go to some stupid celebration? I’m celebrating all the time. It’s called ‘Life,’ and I’m crushing it!
Loving someone and being with them are two different things. Just ask anyone in a relationship.
If women wanted to be treated like they’re special, they shouldn’t have invented such a terrible holiday.
Do you think I got where I am today by not judging people based on their appearances?
Being a man means instinctively knowing how to fix things, hide your weaknesses, and use women as punching bags.
I don’t need to be loved. I just need to be feared.
I have a lot of respect for the elderly. They were born before people invented sunscreen.
Relationships are like sharks. They have to keep moving forward, or they’ll die.
I’m not a villain. I’m an artist. And if you don’t like my art, get out of my life.
The only thing that keeps me up at night is the thought of how thin my hair is getting.
Never go with a hippie to a second location. They will ruin your life.
I’ve been trying to drink away the pain, but I can still feel some of it.
If you don’t think Bigfoot is real, explain the size of Andre the Giant’s shoes.
I would like people to remember me as the guy who broke every Lemon’s heart.
I don’t get what’s so great about being modest. It just means you’re settling for second best.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re in my house.
Sometimes I wish I were a cartoon character because then I could get away with murder.
I don’t need drugs. I’m high on power and my own farts.
Being rich is like being on drugs. Only without all the bad stuff, like sweating or getting arrested.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of being forgotten. So I plan on dying dramatically.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a private island where you can cry alone.
I love everyone equally, except for you. You know who you are.
There’s no such thing as being too attractive or too rich. You just need to find the right person to hate you.
I’m a genius. I constantly amaze myself with my brilliance. And modesty.
I’m not old, I’m experienced. And I’m getting better with age, like a fine wine or a really expensive prostitute.
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