I am so smart that sometimes I don’t understand what I’m saying.
Why waste time thinking when you can just guess and hope for the best?
If the sky is blue, why do we call it the sky? Shouldn’t we call it ‘sky-blue’?
I don’t know why people say money can’t buy happiness. Have they never tried buying a puppy?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, was it really a tree?
Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know if your dentist will approve.
I don’t believe in superstitions, but I always knock on wood… just in case.
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Who came up with these names?
I can’t decide if I’m a procrastinator or just very efficient at doing nothing.
If laughter is the best medicine, then why do people get so many shots at the doctor’s office?
I’m not a pessimist; I prefer to think of myself as an expert in worst-case scenarios.
They say ‘practice makes perfect,’ but I’ve been practicing for years and I’m still not perfect. What am I doing wrong?
Why do we have ‘shortcut’ signs in the road? If they’re shortcuts, shouldn’t they be longer?
I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I wish I had a ‘Ctrl + Alt + Del’ button for all my problems.
Don’t cry over spilled milk… unless it’s almond milk, then you should definitely cry.
They say ‘money can’t buy happiness,’ but it can buy ice cream, and that’s pretty close.
They say ‘the early bird gets the worm,’ but I’m not a bird and I don’t eat worms, so what’s the point?
If life is a test, I hope there’s no pass or fail, just extra credit.
If knowledge is power, then why do people say ‘ignorance is bliss’? Are they secretly trying to save on their electric bill?
I tried to be a minimalist, but I couldn’t find a way to get rid of all my ‘what-ifs.’
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure about that.
Forget about finding the meaning of life… I haven’t even found the meaning of my own email password.
Why do we call them ‘fingerprints’ if they don’t have fingers? Shouldn’t they be called ‘paw-prints’ or ‘hoof-prints’?
I don’t need a reality check, I prefer to stay in denial and pay with credit.
If actions speak louder than words, does that mean whispers are the ultimate form of communication?
Just because I’m not a chef, doesn’t mean I can’t call myself ‘fluent in cooking terms.’
I always strive to reach for the stars, but usually end up tripping over my own shoelaces.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you limes, make margaritas.
They say ‘life is like a roller coaster,’ but I prefer to think of it as a never-ending game of ‘Whack-A-Mole.’
I don’t believe in coincidences, but sometimes I can’t help but notice all the weird coincidences happening around me.
I don’t always make sense, but when I do, I confuse myself.
I don’t need a workout plan, I’m already a pro in the ‘running late’ exercise.
I keep looking for the keys to success, but all I find are mismatched socks and loose change.
I don’t always listen to advice, but when I do, it’s usually a cat.
I don’t trust mirrors, they always reflect back with a judgmental stare.
If life is a highway, then I must be caught in an endless traffic jam.
I don’t need a ‘plan B,’ I prefer to keep all my options open in alphabetical order.
I’m so forgetful that I can remember to forget, but I forget what I was trying to forget.
I don’t believe in counting sheep, but I’m an expert in counting down the minutes until my alarm goes off.
They say ‘time heals all wounds,’ but I’m still waiting for my broken watch to be fixed.
I don’t always follow my dreams, but when I do, I usually trip over my aspirations.
I’m not a glutton, I just have a passion for ‘diet-cheating’.
I don’t need a life coach, I have a very talented game character who always gives me advice.
I don’t have a photographic memory, but I do have an excellent memory for all the embarrassing moments in my life.
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