Phyllis Diller Quotes – A Collection of Hilarious and Inspiring Words

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. You’ve got to know what’s needed, earn it and then collect it.

I bargained with Life for a penny, and Life would pay no more.

I was the first woman to burn my bra on the grounds that it supported a lot of things that I didn’t.

Housework is something you do that nobody notices unless you don’t do it.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

Phyllis Diller Quotes – A Collection of Hilarious and Inspiring Words part 2

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If a man never learned to never do anything that he didn’t want to do, he could learn to do anything he wanted to do.

When I’m a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they’ll believe every word I say.

We spend 365 days a year teaching our kids how to stand up for themselves and then they have to apologize to the janitor for drawing in the dust on their locker.

The best contraceptive is the word ‘No’ – repeated frequently.

My family doesn’t roast anymore, we just burn a picture of Aunt Martha.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Losing weight is not a big deal, it’s the light lotions that say ‘rub briskly’ that get me. That’s why I want to say, Rub slowly until I’m through losing weight.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I went to a beauty parlor once and had my hair appointment three weeks in advance. I woke up that morning to find I had leukemia.

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

Why do people say ‘no offense’ right before they’re about to offend you?

Why is that when we get older, we always think we can do something right after we did it?

I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

How can you control the roaches in your apartment? Put up an out of order sign on the toilet.

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

When I was born, the doctor looked at my mother and said, ‘Congratulations, you have an actor!’

Aim high, but be prepared to duck.

My mother- according to her driver’s license- is 10

When you reach that age, what do you expect, a pat on the back?

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they share a common enemy.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

A manhattan was named for me. It was a publicity stunt that went wrong.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Someday I’m going to go to the gym and actually do one of those exercises I hear so much about.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

You know you’re old when you bend down to tie your shoe and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

Maternity is a matter of fact. Paternity is a matter of opinion.