Parks and Rec Quotes

Treat yo’ self!

I’m big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

Don’t half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing.

I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.

I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.

I’m going to be direct and honest with you. I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.

I regret nothing. The end.

I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

I can’t go out, because I have too much work to do. Not important work, but coffee shop work.

You had me at meat tornado.

I’m related to you through a series of unlikely events.

I’ve been quite open about this around the office – I don’t want this parks department to build any parks, because I don’t believe in government.

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Jerry is the M. Night Shyamalan of people.

Sometimes you have to work a little, so you can ball a lot.

Find your team. There’s going to be a lot of stuff you don’t want to do. You’re going to have to work extra on projects you don’t care about. And sometimes, you have to work on Saturdays.

Parks and Rec Quotes part 2

We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work. But work has to come third.

Zerts are what I call desserts, tray trays are entrees, sandwiches are sammies, sandoozles or Adam Sandlers, air conditioners are cool blasterz with a ‘z’, and that thing over there is a napkin.

Friends: one to three is sufficient.

I’m into politics and cannibalism.

Bodybuilders use steroids. Politicians use doubles. Parks and Rec employees use hard work.

I played a 4-hour round of golf, and then I ran a 10K. I will tell you what: I have never felt so alive.

You know what they say – ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice…strike three.’

You’re right, I’m going to treat this situation with the seriousness it deserves. *Proceeds to make a fart noise.*

I have no history of mental illness in my family. However, full disclosure, my cousin’s a vampire.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

I live by one rule: no meetings. I hate them.

I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since later this afternoon.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

In my experience, binge-watching is best done alone.

I’m in a room full of people I love, doing things I enjoy. The world can suck it.

It’s a pyramid scheme. Except with no end goal, just a bunch of middle men who rely on people beneath them to succeed, which never happens.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.

The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

April is the best, but she’s

When April was born, I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then, I would have been hanging out with a baby.

If I were wrong, I’d know it. I’m never wrong.

The thing about youth culture is, I don’t understand it.

Time is money; money is power; power is pizza; pizza is knowledge. Let’s go!

I need a job. I want a job. I’ve asked everyone I know if they have a job. I’ve even looked on Craigslist.

I’m very suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

I’m a fan of anything that masks the taste of hard liquor.

There are no consequences in life. Also, I have a horrible secret that could ruin everyone’s lives.

I’m really into the idea of any dispute ending with a dance off.

I stand behind my decision to avoid salad, and other disgusting things.