Norm MacDonald Quotes

I’m not a doctor, but I play one in real life.

Life is like a box of chocolates, but with more heart attacks.

I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht and that’s close enough for me.

I like my comedy like I like my coffee – black and bitter.

I believe in equal rights for everyone, except for mosquitoes.

I once had a job as a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I would rather have a prescription for Vicodin.

I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs who don’t like people.

Success is like a fart – it only really counts if it’s your own.

You know you’re getting old when you go to an antique auction and people start bidding on you.

I don’t need a therapist, I have stand-up comedy.

I tried being normal once, but it didn’t work out. So now I just embrace my weirdness.

The best thing about being a comedian is making people laugh. The worst thing is having to listen to their terrible jokes.

I’m not saying I’m a genius, but my mom did tell me I have an above-average IQ for a raccoon.

I don’t always understand the purpose of life, but I do understand the purpose of pizza – to be eaten.

I don’t need to be loud to make a statement. I just need a microphone and an audience.

Norm MacDonald Quotes part 2

My favorite hobby is overthinking everything and then regretting it later.

I never worry about the future. It comes soon enough.

You know it’s a bad day when even your fortune cookie is mocking you.

If life gives you lemons, just make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

I don’t believe in karma. If karma was real, I would have been struck by lightning multiple times by now.

I’m tired of being told to think outside the box. I want to live inside the box – it has walls and a roof!

Why do people say ‘nothing is impossible’? Have they tried stapling water to a tree?

I don’t need a gym membership, because my favorite exercise is jumping to conclusions.

I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do, I like to do it last minute.

Life is like a taco – messy, delicious, and sometimes filled with unexpected surprises.

I don’t understand why some people are afraid of clowns. I’m more afraid of the guy standing next to me in line at the DMV.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a durian, run away screaming.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I don’t always make puns, but when I do, I’m usually the only one laughing.

I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least I’m not a spoon.

I’m not a fan of small talk. I prefer medium talk – the kind that involves pizza toppings and conspiracy theories.

If you can’t beat them, join them. And if you can’t join them, well, that’s just really awkward.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but I do believe in pausing the TV when someone goes to the bathroom.

I can resist anything except temptation. And doughnuts. And puppies. And a good sale.

The key to a happy life is not taking anything too seriously, except for pizza toppings. That’s serious business.

Don’t be afraid to take risks in life. But maybe don’t take the risk of eating expired sushi.

I don’t need a therapist, I have my own inner monologue to keep me company.

Who needs a fancy car when you can have a fancy collection of novelty socks?

I don’t believe in luck, but I do believe in pizza. And that’s pretty close.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a lifetime supply of chocolate. And that’s pretty close too.

I like my coffee like I like my humor – dark, bitter, and full of unexpected twists.

I don’t always have a good comeback, but when I do, it usually comes three hours later in the middle of the night.

Life is like a roller coaster – it’s scary and exciting, and sometimes you need to throw up afterwards.