Monty Python Quotes

It’s just a flesh wound!

I fart in your general direction!

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Ni!

We are the knights who say ‘Ni!’

I’m not dead yet!

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

It’s not pining, it’s passed on. This parrot is no more!

I’m being repressed!

I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay!

A shrubbery! We need another shrubbery!

I like Chinese. They only come up to your knees.

This isn’t a war, it’s a series of personal vendettas.

She turned me into a newt! …I got better.

I’m not a witch, I’m your wife!

We’re knights of the Round Table. We dance whene’er we’re able.

My hovercraft is full of eels.

He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!

It’s a fair cop.

Do you want to come up and see my etchings? Or do you want to come up and see my bird cage?

Well, I’ve got better.

Stop that, it’s silly!

Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

And now for something completely different.

Always look on the bright side of life.

I’m here to acquire a cat license.

And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.’

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

How do you like that, you stupid bastard?

Arthur: ‘I am your king.’ Woman: ‘Well, I didn’t vote for you.’

No one’s ever been able to pronounce my name right. And it’s really not that complicated. It’s Fra-GEEE-leh.

Always use the proper tenses and remember to conjugate verbs.

I’m having a conversation with myself. You don’t need to be here!

If I went around sayin’ I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

You can’t expect to wield supreme power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Dinsdale: ‘Now, Lance Corporal Dibbler here has been found guilty of eating Frederick the Matey.’ Theodore (Dibbler): ‘That’s a dirty lie! I didn’t eat him!’

And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. And so the