Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend: ‘Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I’ve got the documentation right here…oh wait, it’s at home…in the file…under ‘D’, for ‘doughnut.’

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.’

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too… I tried to taste it, but it did not work.’

Mitch Hedberg Quotes part 2

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

My roommate said to me, ‘I’m going to shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying ‘here, you throw this away.’

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My friend asked, ‘Do you want a frozen banana?’ I said, ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.’

I bought a house, and the backyard was filled with dog poop… but I don’t own a dog. So I just filled it in.

I like Kit Kats unless I’m with four or more people.

My friend said, ‘Do you want a frozen banana?’ I said, ‘No, but I want a regular, unfrozen banana later, so… yeah.’

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

I saw a sign that said ‘Drink Canada Dry.’ So I’ve started.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I bought a cake.

I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah’.

I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

I used to be a hot tape… now I’m a high-speed dubbing deck.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

I ran track in high school: the gun would go off and I’d be up the block before any confetti popped out.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kebabs.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. ‘Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.’

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I failed a college course in Quantum Mechanics –but I have to say I was sick the day we spent on Chapter 4.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy, they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, ‘Dufresne, party of two.’ They say again, ‘Dufresne, party of two.’ And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again. ‘Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.’ But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. ‘Bush, party of three.’ Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You fuckers are selfish…the Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. They’re hungry, I’m sure…but duct tape works.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

I like escalators because they can never break, they can only become stairs. ‘Escalator temporarily stairs… Sorry for the convenience!’

You know how they say dolphins are smart? Within a couple of weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish. Do you know how hard it is to train a person to throw a fish?

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger.

I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m just going to ask where they’re going and catch up with them later.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.