Karl Pilkington Quotes

You never see an old man eating a Twix.

I’ve never lived in a country where you couldn’t drink the tap water.

What’s the point in buttering both sides of the bread? It’s like wearing underwear on the outside.

I don’t see the point of having a cat that can’t even understand me.

If you’re not happy with your own company, then it doesn’t matter where you go – you’re not going to be happy.

If you had a chimp, you’d keep it. You wouldn’t release it.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle, but all the pieces are blank.

If you learn something new every day, you’ll never be bored.

People say time is a healer, but I don’t think it is. Time just lets you forget.

I don’t understand why people want to go to space. What’s up there?

It’s strange how we let dogs come into our houses and lick our faces, but if a stranger did that, we’d call the police.

People waste so much time trying to find happiness, when they should just be happy with what they have.

I’ve never understood why people want to be famous. What’s the point in strangers knowing who you are?

Nature is alright, but I prefer man-made stuff. Look at Ikea – it’s like walking through a little city.

It’s weird how we eat so much chicken, but never see a chicken cemetery.

Why do we say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes? It’s not like they’ve just done something amazing.

Karl Pilkington Quotes part 2

I don’t believe in heaven. If it exists, why do we have to wait until we’re dead to get in?

If there’s an afterlife, I hope it’s like a restaurant buffet where you can eat all the food you want without getting fat.

People say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a jet ski, and have you ever seen someone unhappy on a jet ski?

I don’t understand why people complain about aging. It’s better than the alternative – dying young.

Every cloud has a silver lining, but sometimes it’s just really hard to see.

I’ve never understood why people get so excited about birthdays. It’s just one day closer to death.

I don’t understand why people are afraid of clowns. They’re just sad, not scary.

I don’t believe that opposites attract. If they did, I wouldn’t be sitting here alone.

Why do we have to brush our teeth every day, but not our armpits?

There are so many rules in life, it’s like being in a never-ending spelling bee.

I don’t understand why people want to live forever. Can you imagine getting bored after a thousand years?

If we evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

I don’t understand why people are obsessed with celebrities. They’re just regular people with more money.

I don’t understand why people keep buying lottery tickets. It’s like paying for a random number generator.

I don’t understand why people say ‘no offense’ before they say something offensive. It’s like saying ‘with all due disrespect’.

I don’t understand why people need so many different types of cheese. It all tastes the same to me – like cheese.

I don’t understand why people put pineapple on pizza. It’s like putting peas on a pancake.

I don’t understand why people say ‘bless you’ when you yawn. It’s not like you’re sneezing out your soul.

I don’t understand why people take photos of their food. It’s not like it’s going to taste any different.

I don’t understand why people say ‘money can’t buy happiness’. Have you ever seen someone frowning on a jet ski?

I don’t understand why people go on vacation to tropical islands. It’s just a lot of sand and sunburn.

I don’t understand why people say ‘it’s the thought that counts’. If the thought is bad, then the gift is bad.

I don’t understand why people say ‘break a leg’ for good luck. If you break a leg, you can’t do anything.

I don’t understand why people say ‘it’s a small world’. The world is huge – have you seen a map?

I don’t understand why people say ‘I slept like a baby’. Babies wake up every two hours and cry.

I don’t understand why people say ‘life is short’. Life is the longest thing you’ll ever experience.

I don’t understand why people say ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’. Have you seen all the money in the world?

I don’t understand why people say ‘you can’t have your cake and eat it too’. What’s the point of having cake if you can’t eat it?

I don’t understand why people say ‘you can’t have it all’. If you have everything you want, then you have it all.