John Mulaney Quotes

I love doing stand-up comedy. It’s the best feeling in the world.

My brain is like a superhighway with no speed limit.

Life is a series of awkward moments and I’m just here to document them.

Being an adult is just standing in line for things you don’t want to do.

I’m constantly thinking of things that I could have done better. It’s exhausting.

If I could sum up my life in one word, it would be ‘awkward’.

I have the self-esteem of a small woodland creature.

I always feel like I’m on the brink of a nervous breakdown, but in a funny way.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

I’m a perpetual middle schooler trapped in an adult’s body.

You know you’re an adult when you start getting excited about going to bed early.

I have a lot of anxiety and not a lot of confidence. It’s a winning combination.

Every time I try to be serious, I end up making a joke. It’s a reflex.

I’m the kind of person who always leaves the party at the right time… as it’s getting interesting.

I have a talent for turning mundane situations into elaborate stories.

If life was a sitcom, I would be the quirky best friend.

I have a fear of commitment and a love for take-out food. It’s a problem.

I used to think being an adult would be more fun, but turns out it’s just a lot of bills and responsibilities.

John Mulaney Quotes part 2

I have a weird obsession with old people. They’re like time travelers from the past.

I’m convinced that the real purpose of life is to find the best deal at the grocery store.

One day I’ll figure out what I want to do with my life. But until then, I’ll just keep making jokes.

I’m what happens when a small child never learns when to stop talking.

I’m a naturally anxious person, so I just embrace it and make it funny.

I have the attention span of a goldfish and the memory of an elephant.

I’ll never look as cool as someone who smokes a cigarette while leaning against a building.

I have a lot of regrets in life, but they make for great material in my stand-up.

I’m terrible at small talk, so I just ask people random questions to make things interesting.

I have a love-hate relationship with New York City. It’s the best and worst place on Earth.

I have a theory that everyone has a twin out there who is way more successful and put-together.

I can never tell if someone is being sarcastic or just stupid. It’s a constant struggle.

My mind is a beautiful chaos of random thoughts and weird observations.

I’m like a detective searching for the punchline in every situation.

I have an unhealthy obsession with coffee. It keeps me awake and slightly jittery.

I’m convinced that life is just a series of awkward encounters with strangers.

I often find myself in situations where I have no idea what I’m doing, but I pretend like I do.

I have a talent for making people feel uncomfortable and then laughing about it.

Awkward silence is my mortal enemy. I will do anything to fill it with a joke or a random fact.

I’m a walking contradiction. I want to be successful, but I also want to sit on my couch and eat pizza.

I have this constant fear of aging, but it’s really just a fear of running out of material.

I’m like a monkey with a typewriter, constantly typing away and hoping something brilliant comes out.

I have this irrational fear that at any moment, the world is going to realize I have no idea what I’m doing.

My idea of a good time is sitting at home, eating snacks, and watching reruns of old sitcoms.

I have a love-hate relationship with Pinterest. It’s the ultimate rabbit hole of unrealistic expectations.

I have a hard time keeping up with technology. I still use a flip phone and have a VCR player.

I’m just a regular guy trying to make people laugh and forget about their problems for a little while.