Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you.

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

The first rule of Italian driving: What’s behind me is not important.

If you’re buying a Ferrari, don’t buy black. It hides the lines a bit.

I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

I’ve always said, ‘If God wanted us to travel on a train, he wouldn’t have given us the Maserati Quattroporte.’

I’m not a psychopath, Jeremy. I’m a highly-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

I would never advocate speed. Speed kills. It’s not the speed that kills you, it’s the sudden stop at the end.

You can’t have a sensible midlife crisis!

There is no such thing as a boring road. Only boring cars.

I’ve always considered myself to be an environmentalist. I recycle my publicist regularly.

If you’re in a car and you’re not bullying someone, you’re not in a car.

If you’re ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

You can never have too much power. You can, however, have too much fuel in one tank.

There’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity. And I think I crossed that line years ago.

I would never ask someone to do something I wasn’t willing to do myself. Unless it involved manual labor.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I’m a big fan of white, neutral colors. They go with my personality.

I’m not a fan of standing still. Unless, of course, it’s in the middle of a hurricane.

I always tell people, ‘If you want to save the environment, buy a Prius. If you want to save yourself, buy a tank.’

You can’t be a true petrolhead until you’ve owned an Alfa Romeo. It’s true, they all break down and they’re completely unreliable. But they look fantastic doing it.

The Queen should never have given James May a knighthood. It’s bad enough we have to call him a knight, but Sir Captain Slow? It just doesn’t have a ring to it.

The only way to go faster around a corner on a motorcycle is to lean further. That might sound dangerous, but actually, it’s the gravity that does most of the work.

The good thing about driving fast in cold weather is that your car is cold, so it’s less likely to catch fire.

I judge a man by his car. The worse his car, the better.

I once drove a Mini Cooper into a swimming pool. It was fantastic. Sure, it didn’t float, but it was an incredible way to ruin a perfectly good car.

If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.

I’m not the biggest fan of hybrids. It’s like trying to have a threesome with your wife and a blow-up doll. It’s just not the same.

If you’re in a car that can go 200 miles per hour, there is nowhere you can’t go. Except maybe through a brick wall. That might be a problem.

I don’t understand people who say they like a slow drive in the countryside. If you’re going slow, you’re wasting precious time that could be spent driving fast.

I went on a diet once. I lasted five hours. It turns out I’m intolerant to self-control.

I’m not a fan of self-driving cars. I don’t trust a machine to drive as well as I do. And that’s saying something.

I don’t need a therapist. I have my cars. They’re much better at resolving my issues.

I once saw James May’s garden. It was like walking into an episode of ‘Hoarders.’ There were broken lawnmowers, old car parts, and a gnome infestation.

I could never work in a cubicle. I need open road, open skies, and the sweet sound of a V8 engine.

The great thing about cars is that they never complain about where you take them. Unless they’re James’s cars, then they just stop working.

If you’re not embarrassed by the first car you owned, you didn’t own a car.

I’ve always said, ‘If you can’t be a good example, be a cautionary tale.’

If you’re driving a convertible and you’re not feeling the wind in your hair, you’re doing it wrong.

I don’t need therapy. I have my cars. They listen without judgment and they never tell me I’m wrong.

The great thing about cars is that they always forgive you. Even when you forget to put gas in the tank, they still get you home.

If you’re not turning heads when you drive by, you’re not driving fast enough.

I once met a man who thought he knew everything about cars. Then I introduced him to the Bugatti Veyron. Let’s just say he was humbled.

Some people think racing is a sport. I think it’s a way of life.

I’ve always said, ‘If you can’t be first, at least be dramatic.’