Humor and Funny Quotes for Husband and Wife

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.

Wife: I love you. Husband: Is that you or wine talking? Wife: It’s me, talking to the wine.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, but also with their funny quirks and snoring habits.

Husbands are like fine wine, they take a long time to mature.

Behind every great husband is a wife rolling her eyes.

A marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and still gets thanked for it.

The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor and a short memory…especially during disagreements.

Marriage is like a public zoo exhibit. You gotta keep the animals entertained and hope no one throws anything at you.

Husband: Can I have your wifi password? Wife: We’re married, you should know it by heart. Husband: No, I mean the new wifi password. Wife: Divorce1295.

Wife: I can’t find my phone. Husband: Have you checked between the couch cushions where you put it for safekeeping last night?

A successful husband is one who can earn more money than his wife can spend, and a successful wife is one who can find such a husband.

Husband: I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Husband: Want to go camping this weekend? Wife: I love a man who’s willing to sleep outside!

Humor and Funny Quotes for Husband and Wife part 2

Marriage is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

They say opposites attract, but I’ve never seen anyone bring such a disaster upon themselves like my husband and I did.

Wife: I can’t believe you forgot our anniversary again. Husband: It’s the thought that counts, right? Wife: Well, it’s the divorce papers that count too.

A good husband is like a good wine – he gets better with age, and sometimes he even gets uncorked.

Husband: I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s ever been with. She said, ‘Yes, all the others were nines or tens.’

Wife: Honey, you should thank me for living with such an amazing woman. Husband: Oh, I am. Every day I thank my lucky stars – and you – for it.

A husband is like a boomerang – sooner or later, he’ll come back apologizing for being wrong.

Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for his love. After marriage, he’ll lay down his love for his life.

Husband: I’ll always cherish our wedding day. Wife: Why? Was that the last time I did something nice for you?

Marriage is all about balance. Like a balanced diet – a little bit of complaining paired with a whole lot of bacon-wrapped love.

Wife: I think our marriage is getting boring. Husband: Oh, is that a complaint or a challenge?

Marriage is like a multiple-choice question. Sometimes, the answer is ‘all of the above’ – especially when asked ‘What’s for dinner?’

Husband: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Wife: No honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Wife: Why is the house always a mess when I come home? Husband: Well, I’ve learned that cleaning the house makes it more difficult to find things.

Marriage is a lot like a game of chess. The queen is the most powerful piece, but the king is the one that gets dragged around the board.

Husband: Women are always right. Wife: Exactly, so I’m glad we agree!

Wife: I told my husband he’s ‘Mr. Right.’ Husband: Yeah, and I told her she’s ‘Mrs. Always Right.’ We have a great marriage.

Husband: I don’t always like your jokes. Wife: That’s okay, I don’t always like your face.

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy – and sometimes steal the blanket.

Husband: Without you, my life is nothing. Wife: Aw, that’s so sweet. Husband: Yeah, I’d be lost without the remote control.

Wife: Why do men always want women who are hot and smart? Husband: Honey, I married you, didn’t I?

A good marriage is one where both partners can still laugh at each other’s jokes…even after hearing them a thousand times before.

Husband: I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Husband: I’m going to the gym. Wife: For how long this time? Husband: About 30 minutes. Wife: Okay, I’ll send a search party after 31.

Wife: I love you more than chocolate. Husband: That’s a bold statement. Wife: Fine, I love you as much as chocolate.

Husband: You’re the reason I wake up with a smile every morning. Wife: Aw, that’s so sweet. Husband: Yeah, I always dream about pancakes.

Wife: Do you love me less now that I’m getting older? Husband: No, honey, I love you just as much, if not more. It’s just that the memory is not what it used to be.

Husband: Do you believe in love at first sight? Wife: No, I think it’s called hiring a detective to check their background first.

Wife: Do you think I’m fat? Husband: No, I think you’re perfect. Wife: Aw, that’s so sweet. Husband: Yeah, perfectly capable of eating a whole pizza by yourself.

Marriage is like a game of Twister – the more you get twisted, the more fun it becomes.

Husband: I couldn’t sleep last night, so I counted my blessings. Wife: Aw, that’s so sweet. How many did you count? Husband: One, but it was you.