My doctor told me to stop eating so much pizza. I guess I’ll have to find a new doctor.
I asked my dog if he wants to go for a walk. He looked at his calendar and said he’s fully booked.
I started a band with a bunch of scarecrows. We’re outstanding in our field.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
My friend is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
I told my wife she should do lunges to stay fit. She replied, ‘That would be a big step forward.’
I wanted to lose weight, but I hate losing, so I just decided to gain weight instead.
I saw an ad for a boat dealership that said, ‘Sail the high seas!’ I thought to myself, ‘Why would I want to sail the low seas?’
I asked the librarian if they have any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
I asked my computer for a date. It said, ‘Sorry, I’m still waiting for my motherboard.’
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
I bought some shoes from my drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a mussel.
Funny Quotes From Reddit That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud part 2
I told my wife she should try some gardening. She replied, ‘How do I grow drugs in our backyard?’
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.’
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me for an hour.
I invited my computer to a party, but it had no connections.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I told my wife she should do lunges to stay fit. She disagreed, saying it would only be a big step forward.
I asked my dog if he wants to go for a walk. He looked at his calendar and said he’s fully booked.
I started a band with a bunch of scarecrows. We’re outstanding in our field.
My doctor told me to stop eating so much pizza. I guess I’ll have to find a new doctor.
I wanted to lose weight, but I hate losing, so I just decided to gain weight instead.
I went to a wedding and they had a donut bar. I think I might have proposed to three different donuts.
I walked into a bar and asked for a glass of water. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry, we only serve punch.’ So I said, ‘Well, that’s a strange way to start a fight.’
They say ‘drink plenty of water,’ so I started drinking plenty, but now I have to pee all the time. It’s a vicious cycle.
I asked my phone for a pun, but Siriously, it didn’t have any good ones.
I told my wife she should try some gardening. She replied, ‘How do I grow drugs in our backyard?’
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
I bought some shoes from my drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a mussel.
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.’
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me for an hour.
I invited my computer to a party, but it had no connections.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I told my wife she should do lunges to stay fit. She disagreed, saying it would only be a big step forward.
I asked my dog if he wants to go for a walk. He looked at his calendar and said he’s fully booked.
I started a band with a bunch of scarecrows. We’re outstanding in our field.
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