Funny quotes 2024

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

I wish my wallet could get fat instead of me.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a gravity-checking mission.

I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

My bed and I have the most passionate relationship. We sleep together every night!

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Procrastination is like a credit card; it’s a lot of fun until you get the bill.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome!

I’m not a morning person. Don’t talk to me until my coffee does its magic.

I’m not always sarcastic…just kidding, I’m always sarcastic.

Marriage is like a workshop; the husband works, and the wife shops.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

Studying is like staring at a blank wall and hoping it will teach you something.

I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? You will get better lighting in the bathroom.

I don’t need a hairstylist, I need a magician.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.

I’m not short-tempered. I just have a quick reaction to stupidity.

I multitask; I eat and I know things.

I accidentally typed ‘hugs’ instead of ‘hugs’…now I have paper cuts all over my forehead.

I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not clumsy. I’m just testing the durability of objects around me.

I think my guardian angel drinks.

I’m not crazy; I prefer the term ‘mentally hilarious.’

I’m not a perfect person, but I play one on TV.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I don’t have a bad handwriting; I have my own font.

I’m not stubborn; my way is just better.

I need my beauty sleep. Every hour counts!

I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

I speak fluent sarcasm, and it’s my second language.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I’m not cheap; I’m just on a limited budget.

I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.

I’m not fat; I’m just easier to see.

I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me.

I’m not antisocial. I’m just highly selective with my socializing.

I don’t need an alarm clock; my ideas wake me up.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.