Funny Jesus Quotes

I turned water into wine, but I couldn’t turn my brother-in-law into a decent human being.

Blessed are the selfie takers, for they shall inherit the internet.

I love bread so much, I should have been born in a bakery.

Who needs a fisherman when you can walk on water and catch your own dinner?

If Lazarus had a Instagram, he would have been the ultimate #throwbackthursday.

You know you’re almighty when your water-to-wine ratio is always just right.

I prefer my miracles with a side of sarcasm.

Why have loaves and fishes when you can have pizza and fries?

Who needs a gym membership when you can multiply loaves and fishes for a workout?

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think loaves and fishes can give it a run for its money.

I walked on water, but I still can’t figure out how to untangle my headphones.

They say the meek shall inherit the Earth, but I’m kind of hoping for an upgrade to a galaxy.

I don’t need GPS, I just follow the stars.

I may have turned water into wine, but I can also turn leftovers into a gourmet feast.

I may be the Son of God, but even I can’t resist a good dad joke.

I fed 5,000 people with five loaves and two fishes, but I can’t seem to keep my own fridge stocked.

They say I turned water into wine, but I prefer to call it ‘Holy spirits.’

I’m not just the King of Kings, I’m also the King of Comedy.

Funny Jesus Quotes part 2

You know you’re a miracle when people start turning water into wine just for a party trick.

I may be the Son of God, but even I can’t find my keys half the time.

I walked on water, but I still trip over my own feet on land.

I may have multiplied loaves and fishes, but I can’t seem to multiply my free time.

Who needs Netflix when you can watch water turn into wine?

They say I’m the light of the world, but can I get a dimmer switch?

I may have died for your sins, but I also died a little inside when I saw your search history.

I turned water into wine, but I still can’t get my friends to turn down the volume on their Bluetooth speakers.

I may have cured the blind, but I’m still waiting for a miracle cure for Mondays.

You know you’re omnipotent when you can perfectly match white wine with fish every single time.

I may have turned water into wine, but even I can’t turn cauliflower into a tasty vegetable.

They say I can heal the sick, but even I can’t cure my dad’s dad jokes.

I walked on water, but I still can’t walk in a straight line when I’m sober.

I may have turned water into wine, but I still can’t figure out how to refill the soap dispenser.

Who needs a watch when I can just turn water into a sundial?

I may have turned water into wine, but I can’t seem to turn dirty laundry into clean clothes.

They say I can walk on water, but I still use floaties in the kiddie pool.

I may have turned water into wine, but I still can’t figure out how to turn leftovers into a gourmet meal.

Who needs a desk when I can just multitask on water?

I may have multiplied loaves and fishes, but I still struggle with math homework.

They say I can heal the sick, but I haven’t found a remedy for Monday morning blues yet.

I may have turned water into wine, but I still can’t turn a YouTube tutorial into a successful DIY project.

Who needs a juicer when you can just turn water into a smoothie?

I may have turned water into wine, but I can’t seem to find the perfect red lipstick.

They say I turned water into wine, but I’m still trying to figure out how to turn water into coffee.

I may have healed the blind, but I still can’t cure bad fashion sense.

Who needs a microwave when I can just turn water into a cup of hot tea?