Funny Fake Quotes

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde, after eating a second slice of cake.

Just keep swimming, unless it’s through jelly. – Dory, from Finding Nemo, on her aversion to jellyfish.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure. – Unknown

I have found the key to happiness: a fully charged phone and unlimited internet. – Unknown

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a word I am saying. – Albert Einstein, after a particularly confusing physics lecture.

I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop pissing me off. – Unknown

I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode. – Unknown

Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing… said no one ever. – Unknown

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination. – Unknown

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. – Douglas Adams

I’m not a gym rat, I’m a gym unicorn. I only show up when someone takes a picture. – Unknown

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a salary. – Unknown

Behind every successful person, there is a substantial amount of coffee. – Unknown

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. – Unknown

Maybe I was born with an attitude, or maybe it’s just contagious. – Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate. – Unknown

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. – Unknown

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth. – Unknown

I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. – Unknown

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. – Unknown

If you were a vegetable, you’d be a ‘cute-cumber’. – Unknown

I like to do my Christmas shopping online, because Santa never gets my style right. – Unknown

I’ve finally realized that I’m not a morning person or a night owl, I’m just a permanently exhausted pigeon. – Unknown

I may be a bad influence, but damn, I’m fun. – Unknown

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right. – Unknown

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination. – Unknown

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up my money. – Unknown

I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than most people. – Unknown

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. – Unknown

I’m sorry for what I said before I had my coffee. I’m not sorry for what I said, just sorry for not having coffee yet. – Unknown

Why be a king when you can be a jester? – Unknown

I’m not a failure, I’m just highly skilled in finding ways that don’t work. – Unknown

Keep calm and pretend it’s on the lesson plan. – Unknown

I may not be rich but I have a great personality, which is basically the same thing. – Unknown

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks. – Unknown

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite

I woke up like this. Stressed. Anxious. And in need of coffee. – Unknown

I’m not a nerd. I’m just studying for the next life. – Unknown

I’m not a morning person, or a night person. I’m barely even an afternoon person. – Unknown

I don’t make mistakes. I make spontaneous motivational speeches. – Unknown

I may be fat, but fat people are harder to kidnap. – Unknown

My life is a constant battle between my love for food and not wanting to get fat. – Unknown

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep? – Unknown

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode. – Unknown