Laughter is the best calorie burner.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
If you can laugh at yourself, you are going to be fine.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
A child needs your love most when they deserve it least.
Volunteerism is the voice of the people put into action. These actions shape and mold the present into a future of which we can all be proud.
Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a career.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness.
Graduation is only a concept. In real life, every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life.
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, Yes, I’ve got dreams, of course I’ve got dreams. Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they’re still there.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years.”
My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything, even if you have no clue what you’re doing.
Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Too often, we pour our energy into trying to earn what we already possess.
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
He who laughs, lasts.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you’re not likely to realize what’s really going on.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
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